Friday, November 19, 2010

October 11 - 15 My Hospital Visit

So where do I begin? The last thing I remember is being in the emergency room and Chrissy is laughing hysterically. Let's backtrack a few hours, earlier that day Chrissy noticed that one of my ass cheeks had a lot less hair than the other. I figured it had to do with how my jeans rubbed across my ass as I got in and out of my work van. Now back to the emergency room, the surgeon came in and wrote on my left leg so there was no mistake in the operating room. This was a little unnerving especially since that leg was currently three times the size of my right leg. On his way out he told me that they would have to shave my leg. Chrissy burst out laughing. As they wheeled me to the OR, the last thing she said to me was "maybe they can shave the other side of your ass so both cheeks match."
The next thing I remember is waking up, disorientated and not sure where I was. A nurse asked me "On a scale of one to ten, how much pain are you in?" I believe my response was something along the lines of  "it fucking hurts!" She calmly asked again. As I began to remember where I was and what had happened to me, she began to ask ask again. I cut her off by saying, "my pain goes to fucking eleven!" Apparently she wasn't a big fan of  'Spinal Tap' because she asked Chrissy if I was always like this. When Chrissy said yes, I heard several nurses say "you poor girl".
I spent 3 days in the Cardio Vascular Intensive Care Unit because the hospital had no rooms available. The highlights of my time were....being told by every medical person that they could not believe I ruptured an artery the way I did....having visitors especially since it was damn near impossible to get into the CVICU, so thank you to those that made it in to see me...being surprised by my mom showing up on Tuesday night and not being surprised that she threatened me with physical violence by Wednesday morning after I said "so emergency surgery is what it takes to get you to visit me"....the real highlight was watching the catheter being removed from my, well you know from where, after I saw the size of that rubber tube I told the nurse that I was damn glad I was knocked out when they put that in.
So here I am in the ICU. I learned a lot about medical issues during my time here. Did you know that anesthesia and pain killing narcotics will cause severe constipation? I had no idea until I realized I hadn't taken a shit for 3 days. Of course, I was eating shit because I was in the Cardiac ICU and placed on a restricted diet. I never knew food could be so bland. I had Chrissy bring me White Castle to solve both of these problems. Even the sliders couldn't break through the constipation. My mom told the nurse that I should be given Milk Of Magnesia. The nurse looked horrified but said she would check with the doctor. My mom hounded the nurses all day to get me some milk of magnesia. As I was being transferred to my own room, Chrissy & my mom left for dinner and the nurse gave me the milk of magnesia. I get settled in my own room on the Cardiac floor and I am introduced to the nurses and aides. The nurses aide assigned to me is Lashonda, a 110 pound black woman who is extremely pregnant. As she leaves she tells me to press the call button if I need anything. Because I am a fall risk, I have to call anytime I want to move. Five minutes later the milk of magnesia is beginning to take effect. I figure I can hold it off for awhile...thirty seconds later...I'm pressing the call button. As Lashonda helps me to the bathroom, I have two thoughts...if I fall I will crush this pregnant woman and then I will shit all over her. I make it to the bathroom and spend a good 10 minutes making sure I'm done before pressing the call button. I settle back in my chair as I thank Lashonda. Five minutes later I am in severe pain in my bowels and pressing the call button. This occurs repeatedly throughout the evening. I tell the nurse to get another bed ready because I'm going to kill my mother. Chrissy comes in without my mother who decided to stay at the house. I am surprised she didn't show so she could enjoy in person the pain and discomfort she caused me. Over the course of three hours, I swear I shit over a dozen times. By the end I had stuff coming out of me that I had eaten ten years ago. I must have lost 5 pounds during my shitting frenzy. I should have known my mom didn't fly out over her concern for me, it was to torture me.
After five days in the hospital I managed to survive the surgery, the food, the Milk of Magnesia and my mom. I was released. I do not think I ever went five days without going outside. It was a glorious feeling to be wheeled outside. The crisp fall air, the sunshine, the slight breeze, the blue sky. It was amazing how great it felt to be outdoors...I was lost in the moment when Chrissy drove up, opened the car door and said "get in gimp." I laughed with her and karma laughed at me.

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