December 13, 2011 The 2000 Christmas Letter

Once we realized the Y2K bug was just computer geeks over-reacting, this year didn't seem to live up to the new millenium hype. But it sure did fly by, and it isn't just the fact that I'm getting older because I've heard young people same the same thing….really…I swear I did! This year went by so fast, I didn't realize it was already the holiday season…so now I'm spending Christmas Day writing this ridiculous letter. SO LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!!!

I began the New Year by DJing at Joltin' Joe's Bar. My friends Nick & Joe Pezzuto own the place. I have DJed there all year long. It is a great job. I get to watch hot young girls get drunk and dance in front of me….and I get paid too. I should have started DJing years ago. One night some strippers….oops, I mean exotic dancers were there working as Bud Girls for the bar's golf outing. I actually got a $5 tip from this hot blonde with a great …ummm...mind….for playing a song for her. I made her tuck it into my G-string that I just happened to be wearing. (Sorry for that visual). If this would happen a few hundred more times I think I'd break even with the strippers of the world.

I spent the first three months of the year working on a birthday present for my mom. It was a book of pictures and stories from friends and family. I received some great stuff from everyone who contributed. Thank you for taking the time. She loved the book and Georgie created a web site of the book at http://www.georgeott.com/mom/index.html check it out if you haven't already.

Over Easter weekend, Chris & I decided to go hiking at Sleeping Bear Dunes in northern Michigan. This was to prepare for a trip to Alaska, where we also planned to go hiking. We stopped at several cities along Lake Michigan to photograph the old lighthouses. Now I'll admit I'm a sucker for old-fashioned Americana…so we stopped at The Dutch Village in Holland. It consisted of a few buildings (presumably of Dutch origin), a giant concrete stork with a diaper hanging from it's mouth where you could sit and be photographed appearing as either a baby or a stupid shit for stopping here, and a place to put on wooden shoes and carry milk buckets. (which Chrissy refused to do.) Christy was laughing at me for suggesting we stop there, but I was determined to find the hidden fun at the Dutch Village. After an hour of searching, half of which was spent on a merry go round that didn't stop until our yelling woke up the 100-year-old operator, we left wondering why anyone would pay $7.95 to visit this place.

In May, we made another trip to Alaska. We spent four days in Juneau. We went hiking in the mountains around town. While hiking, we rarely came across anyone else. It was absolutely beautiful and amazing to feel like you're the only people on Earth. While hiking up the mountain over the Mendenhall Glacier we saw porcupines, eagles and a mountain goat. We also heard animal cries, which we thought, were some kind of mountain lion. This kind of spooked us, since it seemed to be closing in on us. When we got back we recreated then sound for a park ranger…turns out it was a grouse. We really need to get out of the suburbs more. We hiked the 6 miles to the Herbert Glacier, which is the only way to get to it. After walking through the rain forest we came into a valley surrounded by snow covered mountains, the Herbert is a hanging glacier at one end of this valley. We sat down on the glacial silt and ate our sandwiches (from a NYC deli in Juneau) with the greatest view of any eatery in the world. That hour or so, was worth the cost of the whole trip. We spent the next week on a cruise that included kayaking through the icebergs in Southeastern Alaska. We saw bears, whales and sea lions everywhere. I think we saw porcupines almost every day of the trip. They really didn't pay us much attention, one day a porcupine lead us down the trail we were hiking on for a few hundred feet, then stopped & posed for pictures. I think he then told us "to piss off, for Christ's sake, I'm just a porcupine! Go bother a bear or an eagle! God Damn tourists!"  Sometimes Mother Nature can be as rude as a homeless person on the NYC subway, at least we felt at home.

In July, Chrissy had her 20 year high school reunion. Of course the anti-social one would never have gone except Karen made her go to it. When we walked in, Chrissy said "Who the fuck are these old people? They look like my parents!" I obviously agreed. Karen & Jim found us at a table all alone. Thank God Jim, even though he is a dad now, is still a blast to hang out with. He spent the night antagonizing people he didn't know, much to my enjoyment. At one point, Karen said one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me. Chrissy was catching up with the one person she hoped to see, her friend Roberta. And Karen turned to me and said, "Besides me, you are the best thing that ever happened to Chrissy." Which is what I've been telling Chrissy for years, but she just says, "SHUT UP FATBOY!" Apparently Chris had been drinking way too much at the party, because only blocks from our house, she made me stop in the parking lot of the Hammond Times and hiked up her skirt….I know all my buddies are going "ALRIGHT GREGG! And YOU DA MAN!" but that didn't happen. She peed in the lot and then we just drove home.

In August we went on a 10 day coaster trip with my brother, George. 10 days with Geo & me, 24 hours non stop…. I'm sure Chrissy's dreamed of vacations like this her whole life. It actually went very well. We rode more than 40 coasters in over 10 parks. The highlights were the small old-fashioned parks, Holiday World, Kennywood, Hershey Park, Conneaut Lake, Knoebels, Lakemont Park. Despite the hype of giant steel coasters, we loved the old & new woodies. We nicknamed it our WEEK WITH WOOD… it applied in more ways than one. At Kennywood in Pittsburgh, we were on line for one of their classic wooden coasters by the midway when Georgie yells "Oh good Lord…Please help me!" I turned around to see a thousand high school cheerleaders competing on the Midway. They were all in their little sweater tops and short skirts. This, of course, made Georgie relive comments like… " Mr. Ott please step away from the fourteen year old!" and "Kinko, Kinko the kid loving clown, if the kids would love him back, he'd never wear a frown!"

I've had blonde streaks put into my hair several times in the past. My 9 year old nephew, Kyle, wanted his hair done like his cool uncle. So I took him with me to the hair salon. This led to one of those moments of clarity that occur when time stands still for a brief moment. We both had those rubber helmets on with our strands of hair pulled through it and covered in the bleaching compound. We were sitting under those giant women's hair dryers with magazines on our laps. I looked over at him and he just smiled at me. The complete absurdity of how we must have looked amused me to no end. I just smiled back. It made me realize that someone looked up to me the way I did to my uncles when I was a kid. Then I realized that I was the cool uncle that took Kyle to a beauty salon to have his hair done. Oh my God, a whole school of elementary kids think I'm Kyle's gay uncle….I can hear the wood shed jokes now.

In December, we went to NYC with our sister-in-law Patti. We covered all of Manhattan in a few days, Christmas shopping & sight seeing. Of course the highlight of the trip was dinner at my Aunt MaryAnn's. We had ravioli with chicken & veal cutlets along with several other dishes. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Grandpa Ott is doing fine. I only saw the top of his head most of our visit because he was concentrating so hard on a plate of food whenever I was around. But I heard he told Patti to have a seat on his couch then said " I haven't had a girl on the couch in years." With Chrissy & Patti sitting with him in the basement, He was reported to have yelled up to Maryann " I've got two girls down here!" I guess that means he is doing just fine…DAMN…he's doing better than I am! Terri's fiancé, Carmine won me over easily. He recommended the Fortunato Brothers bakery in his neighborhood. The cannolis there are more satisfying than sex. And the Italian cookies make for some great foreplay. Another highlight of the trip was the day we spent sightseeing in Brooklyn with Freddie & Maryann. We toured from Brooklyn Heights to Coney Island…had a Nathan's hot dog and said goodbye to the Thunderbolt coaster which was torn down to build a baseball stadium. We also watched our wedding video thanks to Grandpa. Well, if we didn't feel older & fatter after seeing that video….I made the comment that the cute little flower girl in the video was now watching our house while we were in NYC….this getting old thing really sucks. How is it that she grew up and I haven't?

I'm writing this on Christmas Eve. Last night, I brought home White Castle sliders after DJing. I woke Chris up at 2:30am and we had sliders together. True Love. This morning, I awoke to the smell of Chrissy cooking lasagna and stuffed shells. For breakfast we had the Veal Paglia, Penne Porcini and stuffed chicken leftovers from Café Borgia. To really push home the Christmas spirit, we played name that tune by farting Christmas carols. (Can you believe some people actually ask for this newsletter?) Tiguak, the polar bear cub that Chrissy hand raised, is doing fine. She weighs over 220 pounds and is only 14 months old. She now has a friend, Eddy. He is on loan from the Quebec Zoo. The mom, Arki, had another cub in early December. So far she is raising that cub. That is our baby news for the year.

Our concert list this year included Prince, who was great but he is so short we couldn't see him and we were only 20 feet from the stage, the BoDeans, the Mighty, Mighty Bosstones, Rancid and the Smashing Pumpkins…a moment of silence please. Even though my hair was blonde and Chrissy's was purple, we were easily spotted as the oldest people at the Warp Tour this year…but we did get to meet the Bosstones, which was cool. We also saw some plays. Anne Get Your Gun, Sound of Music, Scarlet Pimpernel were the better ones. Blast!, which we dubbed revenge of the band geeks or band geeks on acid, was very entertaining.

Thunder seems to be getting along on his painkillers most of the year. But he has lost 40 pounds since the summer. This has brought comments like…"I found Thunder's lost weight…it's on Gregg!" The vet says he is OK but he is a bag of bones. Chrissy started calling him Dead Dog Walking…which I think is very mean. That girl is just heartless. Thunder told me he agrees…he tells me lots of things, which I can't repeat… this is getting very Son of Sam-like. Huh…what did you say Thunder? I gotta go now. Thunder says Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night.

December 12, 2011 The 1999 Christmas Letter

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December 11, 2011 The 1998 Christmas Letter

                                                                                            

“THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS DELIGHTFUL,  LIVING WITH GREGG IS FRIGHTFUL!”

Hello! It’s Chrissy here this time. Since Gregg absolutely hates writing this stupid newsletter and Thunder says he already wrote one. So, I have to write it. Actually he is still in a funk over me not getting that job at the San Diego Zoo. He had this idea that we would live on the beach and just surf all day. He feels like all his friends have abandoned him. I think they all just grew up. So now Gregg lives just building a wall around himself, isolating himself. It’s like living with Pink Floyd. Anyway I will try to recap yet another year in our version of a life.

WINTER

Gregg’s brother Georgie came to visit in early January. Gregg decided not to go on our annual ski trip with Jim & Debbie. Therefore I had a big decision to make. I had to decide which hat matched my ski pants. The boys, Gregg, Georgie & Thunder, spent the weekend cruising for ‘bitches’. (Thunder’s word, not mine.) I’m sure these three were successful, with their heads out the car windows gawking and drooling at the girls. There is a better chance of Antonio Sebato Jr. asking me to remove his underwear than these three picking up girls. Since I went skiing alone, rumors were running rampant that I was having an affair with Jimmy Drescher. This is especially amusing, since Jimmy admitted that even in his dreams I refused to have sex with him.

After skiing without any severe injuries, I broke my ankle walking at work. Gregg thought this was great at first, he figured with crutches and a cast I wouldn’t be able to get away from his sexual advances. But I became quite a swordsman with those crutches. Touché.

The winter was very mild until early March. An incredible ice storm hit Chicago. We lost power for two days. Life without electricity sucks, no computer, no heat, no cable television and no lights. But luckily we both had our favorite things available on battery power. Gregg played CD’s on his boom box and I had my vibrator.

SPRING

By now I’m two months into sitting around with my broken ankle. And Gregg was driving me nuts. One day he called me into the kitchen and started screaming about how disorganized it was. He spent the next 6 hours throwing everything onto the floor, then reorganizing the cabinets. He did this in his best gay interior decorator voice. He carefully explained how and why everything his way was better. Like I really gave a shit where the pots & pans are best kept. Where the hell was my vibrator?

SUMMER

Gregg & I went to COASTERMANIA at Cedar Point again. As usual it was a blast. Then we celebrated our 10-year anniversary. Yes indeed. It’s a decade of unbelievable love, uncontrollable love, and undying love. Okay maybe it was a year or two of that and eight years of putting up with each other.

We made our annual pilgrimage to the Mecca, NYC.  We had tickets to see RENT on Broadway. Even though we thought Grandpa wouldn’t care for the rock musical, he insisted on going. He never wears his hearing aid but this night he did. When the first guitar solo kicked in, he was overheard yelling “JESUS CHRIST!” He couldn’t rip that hearing aid out fast enough. Everyone should experience Gregg on the streets of NYC. He stops at every vendor to eat …pretzels…frankfurters….knishes…Italian ices….soda!!!!!!! Of course he always leaves room for Corato’s pizza and his favorite Aunt MaryAnn’s incredible meals. 

 One of the many promised additions to the house was finally completed. We now have a brick patio in the backyard. Of course the upstairs still has not been touched, but I’ll keep the nagging up until it’s done.

FALL

Oh boy! Another visit to Gregg's family in SoCal. I’ll admit that sometimes I think Gregg exaggerates stories about his childhood. But after visiting his parents, I believe everything he says. I know Gregg isn’t normal, and now I know why.  I can’t even begin to describe everything that occurs on these visits. A couple of things stand out though. One day we went to Huntington Beach. The waves were too rough to surf. My father-in-law decided another beach would be better. Twenty minutes and three beaches later, we ended up back at Huntington Beach, 100 yards from where we started. Bernadette was swearing at George. Gregg & I were looking for crack dealers. As most of you know, George & Bernadette smoke like a coal fired locomotive. Since they painted the house, they now only smoke outside. I think it is because they don’t understand the new California anti-smoking law, which states you can not smoke in any public building. As further proof that these two can drive anything crazy, Latka & Simka (their cats) have moved in with their neighbors.

My friend Karen married Jim. I was matron of honor. Gregg said it was because I’m too old to be a maid of honor. Gregg says this marriage will ruin their great relationship. He kept singing “Another One Bites the Dust”. You see, Jim & Karen were the last of our friends that would or could go out with us on a last minutes’ notice. When Gregg found out she was pregnant, that was the final nail in the coffin of Jim & Karen. They may never be seen again.

Gregg got nothing but mean birthday cards and no presents on his birthday. So he bought himself some DJ equipment. He even DJ’d the Brookfield Zoo’s Christmas party. But he needs a cool DJ name, so I offered up, DJ FAT BASTARD.

Back to Karen & Jim, who were wondering what it took to get mentioned in the newsletter. They have a big Christmas party every year. This year Gregg & I overheard several conversations. They all centered on pregnancies. One woman told us how she went from a 34B to 38E bra while pregnant. Another complained about all the problems associated with being pregnant, we wondered why she went through the trouble to have three kids. Another talked about taking phena barbital throughout the pregnancy, then having babies that weighed less than 6lbs and were born addicts. Gee, I wonder why? Gregg begged me to get up and say “My husbands hung like a horse, I have so many orgasms we have to mop the floor when we’re done. We’re leaving now so I can ride him like a fireman going up & down the pole”. We just left.

I guess that covers our twisted version of a year. Since everyone insists on sending us pictures of their kids every time they grow an inch, I’m including pictures of my babies. Anastasia and Marty. Aren’t they just adorable?  Gregg says that he has one Christmas image that comes to him every year. It is Christmas at his Grandparent’s apartment in NYC. Here’s hoping that every one of our friends and family has that Christmas moment this year.

                                          MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR

                          

                                             Love,

                                                 Christy, Gregg, Thunder, JD, Ammy

                                                                     & Asti

December 10, 2011 The 1997 Christmas Letter

HI THERE! We’ve had a WONDERFUL year. The BIG news is our new additions. We bought a beautiful house way out in the suburbs. Actually it used to be a farm field. So there are no trees now, but it only smells like cow manure when it rains for two straight days. But the neighborhood is great. The only thing black is the streets. Our other addition is a baby boy, Hunter. He is very beautiful. He could probably model or do commercials. He doesn’t look like the other babies. (You know how most babies look like aliens, ohhh not our Hunter.) His sister, Brooke, is five now. She is enrolled in the gifted Kindergarten class. The school says she is the smartest…..UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! If this type of newsletter doesn’t have you reaching for Dr. Kevorkian’s number, then don’t read on. If, however, you enjoy an honest recounting of a couple’s struggles against the world, PLEASE CONTINUE! (even if you secretly laugh at this crap then say to people,”Poor George and Bernadette, where did they go wrong?”)

Welcome to the fourth annual TWISTED NEWSLETTER, with me, your host and tour guide through the past year, Gregg. Well the big news is WE ARE STILL MARRIED!  I know everyone says, “Poor Chrissy, How does she put up with him?” Maybe you should say, “Poor Gregg, how does he put up with her?” Actually it really wasn’t that great of a year. I mean as years go, this one is pretty forgettable. But I must bore you with the details so here we gooooooo!!!!!!!

JANUARY

Check all the other newsletters, what did we do in January? We went skiing in Michigan with Jim and Debbie Drescher. The same goes for this year. But wait, we did something different this year. WHAT? You asked. WIFESWAPPING!! No, we went tubing. And it was fun.(Oh Golly Gee!!) We spent an afternoon flying down a bobsled run on big inner tubes. It was more fun than wifeswapping, okay, maybe I exaggerated on that one. Anyway, the point is that tubing down a mountain is a lot of fun. Especially nude with some one else’s wife. That part didn’t happen either. (But it does sound fun.)

FEBRUARY

This was one of those years where everyone seemed to be celebrating a big birthday. My Grandpa Ott turned 80. So my family all got together in NYC to celebrate. It was fun to be together with everyone at my Aunt MaryAnn’s house. We went to Ellis Island and to the Empire State Building. We were probably heading down the elevators, when that asshole shot several people on the observation deck. I’ll bet you his tormented rage was due to spending time with his family. I’ll give you an example. The weekend is going fine. We decide on the last night to go to a local Irish Pub for dinner. Great. The Irish aren’t exactly known for their good food, but it was within walking distance. Everyone orders, the food is edible. BUT my father is all pissed off and says his dinner tastes like dog food. Oh, what did he order? SHEPPERD’S PIE. Now you’re asking “WHAT THE FUCK IS SHEPPERD’S PIE?” Exactly. No one knew. But he had to order it then was pissed when it wasn’t good. This outburst brought the weekend to a perfect Ott ending. It is enough to make you wanna shoot up the Empire State Building!

MARCH

Jeff turned 30. My cousin Mary turned 40.(Sorry Mary, I was just proving my point that there were a bunch of big Birthdays) And my mom turned 50. So with the help of my Baker cousins, we had a bash for my mom. Thanks to my cousins, the party went great. Georgie even DJ’d the party. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I LOVE THEM HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY! Some of you think it is a shame that we live all over the country. Trust me, it is much better this way. After a few months apart, we actually miss each other. After a few days together, we need a few months apart. Thanks to everyone who helped and who came to the party. I think my mom is still young enough to remember it.

APRIL - JULY

After nearly 12 years, I quit my job at DRW. And much to my shock, the company continued to do business without me. I didn’t think it was possible. I busted my ass for them, but began to think there was no future there. So I got hired by OES in Indianapolis. I spent almost three months in Indianapolis for training and a big job for Shell Oil. I swear to you, the sun shined twice in those three months. The Bottle Rockets have a song that goes “I’m not sure if this is Hell or Indianapolis”. I know exactly what they mean. The job has been great though, especially since I got back to Chicago. The techs in the Indy office were very friendly to me. Especially since they were all southerners and I’m from the north. We were working 70-80 hours a week, but we found time to visit many of Indianapolis’s strip clubs. I had a dancer yell at me because I was watching the TV instead of her. She didn’t like my explanation that the Rangers were up by only one goal in the third period of a crucial play-off game against the Flyers. Jesus, she sounded like a wife, what happened to the good old days. When a strip club was where you could forget you were married.

Kimmie had a baby boy named Kennedy. Christy and I are the Godparents. How cool, I’m the GODFATHER. Nope. I was called the sponsor by the church. Great! I go from being Marlon Brando to being Sally Struthers. This is the story of my life.

AUGUST - OCTOBER

In August, we helped my friend Debbie move on up to a high rise apartment with a view of Lake Michigan. (See I do have successful friends) In September, I went to Gettysburg for my Cousin Ken’s wedding. Let’s face it; a battleground really is the perfect place to get married. It was very enjoyable to see my cousins on the Hynes’ side of the family. Ken and Joey were hilarious; they have the same twisted sense of humor as me. This trait must come from further up the family tree. My cousin DeDe was amazingly like my cousin Patty.  So there really is something to this genetics thing. This family should quit reproducing now, for the sake of the world. The weather in October was great. Eighty degrees most of the month, which made it the nicest month, weather wise, we had all year. It also is the only reason to mention it since we didn’t really do anything during October.

NOVEMBER - DECEMBER

 My friend Debbie talked me into volunteering at a nursing home for Thanksgiving. Pick yourself back up off the floor; I actually have a soft spot in my cold heart. It wasn’t too bad. We helped serve dinner. Sure I lost my appetite, I mean, old people are just like babies. They are disgusting to watch eat.(Messy, drooling and making strange noises) I managed to live through it. We sat and talked with four old women for about an hour. That was interesting. They could remember stuff from 70 years ago but kept asking us the same questions again and again. They kept saying how handsome I was, which was cool. Now if I could only get women under the age of eighty to think the same. Maybe I should visit people in desperate need of eye care more often. We did visit Boston and NYC in December. It was our first visit to Jeff & Jen’s house. They have a beautiful house, thanks to Jen, I’m sure. My brilliant car mechanic brother, after moving our car into his side lot, left the lights on. The next day we had to recharge the battery before it would start. We then stayed at my Aunt MaryAnn’s house. The perfect synopsis of my year can be described here. She made a plate of veal chops, my favorite, and I was too sick to eat more than one. WHY GOD WHY!

 Well I guess it is time to put this year to rest. Thank God. Oh well, they all can’t be wonderful. We both lost a Grandma this year, we didn’t actually lose them, we know where they are. They are in jars in our mother’s closets. Of course Chrissy only cares about her animals, she wants everyone to know that Anastasia, a Siberian Tiger, was born this past October. The baby polar bear turned 1 in late November. We saw a bunch of concerts, as usual. The Presidents of the USA, Cheap Trick, Mighty, Mighty Bosstones (twice), Bodeans, John Hiatt, Pietasters, Reel Big Fish, Live and John Mellencamp. We also expanded our cultural horizons by seeing a bunch of plays, Chicago, TangoX2, Triumph of Love, Riverdance and Rent. We highly recommend Rent and Riverdance. My hockey team, Natural Disaster, lost the championship game 4-2 last winter. We won the summer league championship. If you have Internet access the website address for the team is http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/5484.  Hopefully all is well with you. Please keep in touch with us. Chrissy and I truly wish you a Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years.

December 9, 2011 The 1996 Christmas Letter

Hey there. It’s me, Thunder,(Gregg & Christy’s dog). Most of you refer to me as their ‘Kid’. That’s fine with me. God knows I’m called worse around here. Stink Doggy Dog, Fuckstick and Stupid are the most common names I hear. Anyway you gotta trust me, they shouldn’t be allowed to raise children. I know last year’s newsletter got them in all kinds of trouble because they joked about having a baby. Therefore I have to write this stupid letter. I heard Gregg say he wanted to write that they did have a baby this year. Then tell everyone they sold it on the black market because white babies will get you a lot of money. “ Why not? Since everyone believes all this dumb bullshit anyway!” was his exact quote. So now you get a dog’s eye view of Gregg and Chrissy’s year.

January- It’s my favorite time of the year. It’s cold and snowy. G & C went skiing with their friends. It is something they do every year in January.

February- Valentines Day. Definitely the biggest holiday in this house. There is so much love here, HaHaHa- sorry I don’t know how to duplicate dog laughter. I’m not sure but I think they gave each other a card. I got shit. Sorry about the language, but you live with Chrissy, you learn to talk like her. They saw The Time in concert. Chris tried to teach Gregg to dance. He is one stiff suburban white boy with no trace of rhythm. I laughed so hard that I had to run into the yard to relieve myself.

March- Gregg’s hockey team won the Check League Championship. The other team he plays for, Tony’s team, also won the championship. Now I have a point to make. He calls me Stink Dog all the time. Have any of you smelled that hockey equipment bag of his? People in glass houses, you know the rest. I’ll get off my soap box….where was I , oh yea March. In one weekend Gregg went to 3 concerts, Spacehog, Material Issue and Steve Earle. That means I have to listen to him butchering songs with the stereo blasting. Since he added speakers to the basement there is nowhere to hide.

April- You know you’re getting old and washed up when you go to weddings of your friends’ children. G & C went to Angie Twardy’s wedding. The whole affair was fun. But the two of them moped around for weeks because “We are old now!”. Psst. I heard a rumor that the conversation around their table was about all the fun they used to have. HaHaHa. You see dogs don’t live long enough to remember the ‘Good Old Days’.

Summer- It is easier to lump May thru August together. G & C went to the K.C. Zoo , Coastermania at Cedar Point, Cleveland Zoo, Geauga Lake Amusement park, Columbus Zoo, Americana, Kings Island and of course NYC. Gregg and Jimmy went to their 11^th straight Indy 500.(I wonder how much fun it would be to hang my head out of an Indy car. Drool flying at 230MPH could probably cause severe damage.) Grandpa Ott, Ma & Pa Ott came out for Jeff and Patty’s Wedding in June. It’s always fun to have new crotches to sniff. Gregg’s brother George came out 3 times this year. Twice for work and once for vacation in August. The August visit is when they went canoeing at Turkey Run. Georgie and Scottie proclaimed to be Lewis and Clark when they set out down the river. After hitting every rock and traveling sideways through all the rapids, Gregg said they were more like Lois and Clark. Summer concerts included the Bodeans, Afghan Whigs, Cracker, No Doubt and Everclear. G & C spent all summer staining their new windows which finally were installed after many long delays. All in all, they must have had fun, but I was left home with strangers all summer.

September- Left home again. This time they went to Cali. Of course they did all the grown up things they are known for doing. Three zoos, 4 amusement parks and at least 7 trips to the beach. These 2 will never grow up and face reality. The reality of having a dog and cats that need their attention. Believe me when I say that if they had a child they would think it was okay to set out a big bowl of food, while they go out gallivanting.

October- In an effort to expand their small cultural base, G & C took in their second play of the year ( I heard they saw Sunset Blvd. on Broadway). Jim and Debbie, personally one of my favorite people to sniff, went to see Smokey Joe’s Café at the Schubert Theater. I think I would have gone but the cheap bastards bought seats way up in the balcony and I didn’t want to climb all those stairs.

November- Yet another birthday for that fat bastard, Gregg. On a personal note, I know he calls me FATBOY. Apparently he thinks I don’t see him suck in his gut to button those jeans every morning. Anyway Georgie came to town for his third visit of the year. He and Gregg saw the Lemonheads at the Metro. The next night along with Chrissy, Scottie and Steve (Gregg’s favorite concert going buddy, since no one his age will go to shows with him), they saw the Mighty, Mighty Bosstones. It was a sweat drenched night in the mosh pit with the guys trying to control Chrissy. Thanksgiving dinner was held at our house this year. Chrissy did a great job. And since her mom was here to provide help, I got all kinds of goodies.

December- Gregg complains to Chris that he doesn’t want to do a newsletter this year. That is why I have helped the poor boy out. He isn’t that bad an owner. He does play with me every day after work and takes me in the car whenever he has some running around to do. I worry about him though, he sure seems jealous that I can lick my genitals. I’d better clean the drool off his keyboard. The only thing he loves more than his music collection is this computer. Which reminds me I’d better erase those JPEGS of that cute poodle I got off the Internet. By the way, you can check out Gregg’s Internet site at http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/5484. All of us here wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a GREAT 1997!

                                                          Thunder

December 8, 2011 The 1995 Christmas Newsletter

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

     FROM GREGG AND CHRISTY

   Oh boy where do I start. This year I can write one of these stupid newsletters because I did one last year. I thought I would get abused (mainly because if you sent me one I would abuse the living shit out of you) but most people told me they really enjoyed it. So now the pressure is on this year to be entertaining. Read on and Happy Holidays.

   This is a story. The story of 1995. The story of Gregg, Christy, their four-legged kids and the big old goofy world. The story opens in early December with Gregg sitting at his computer trying to recall what has transpired in the past year that might be slightly interesting to you. He is listening to his cd player, which is loaded with Christmas CD’s ranging from Bing Crosby singing “Silver Bells” to “Here Comes Santa’s Pussy” by the Frogs, just to set the mood.

   Last January Gregg went skiing in Michigan with friends, then we both went skiing locally. Once again we avoided serious injuries, which is good for me since my normal aches and pains are enough to drive someone to heroin addiction.

   As spring came around, it marked Thunder’s first year with us. Oh what fun it is to have a 125lb dog. Thunder and I have so much fun together. We wrestle, play ball, rollerblade(I do, he runs) and we have peeing contests. Whenever I come home late at night, he runs to the bush up front of the house and we pee. I have to make sure no traffic is driving by. Thunder always has to remark the bush when I’m done, so we battle it out him, me, him, me, him down to the last drop. I’ll admit he usually wins so to really challenge him, I’ll pee real high on the bush and tell him to match that.

   This April my hockey team, The Natural Disaster, lost the championship game for the second straight year by a goal to the same team. The White Sox season began late due to the strike, I told them to shove their season tickets and didn’t miss baseball one bit. By the way, did they have a World Series this year. I never heard anyone mention it , I guess not.

   We saw a bunch of concerts this year. John Hiatt, Pearl Jam, Urge Overkill, Live, Mighty Mighty Bosstones and the Presidents of the USA are the ones I remember. I also saw Tom Petty from the eighth row. The Bosstones show was the wildest. Chrissy was moshing and crowd surfing the whole show. The bouncers in front of the stage couldn’t control her. She’s such a punk rocker.

    June began with roller coasters. We belong to ACE, American Coaster Enthusiasts. We spent 17 hours riding coasters at Cedar Point on Coastermania Day. We had a great time but all that body shaking made the toilet our most popular place to visit. We rode coasters at Great America, Indiana Beach and King’s Island during the month. This is the only thing Chrissy and I have in common, riding coasters and peeing way too often for people our age.

   In July my mom ended her Route 66 journey by visiting with us. She hadn’t been here in well over a year, so we were able to put up with her mothering ways for a while. As a kid you do your best to mold your parents into productive human beings, no matter how hard you try they somehow end up going their own way. But I’m proud of her, as moms go she isn’t that bad.

   We went to NYC in August. And by the good grace of God, a hurricane was moving up the Atlantic coast. That meant the waves were incredible. Actually Rockaway  Beach was closed. But Coney Island was rocking. Oh I was in heaven. The Cyclone and 10 foot waves in the same day. I spent the last day in NYC under the boardwalk at Rockaway barfing up some bad clams...yes the ones that come in a shell.

   Grandpa came to visit in September. This is always a highlight for the year. I couldn’t get him interested in computers but we had a blast going through his old photos that I have been putting into albums. The stories and photos had both of us laughing all night. Most of the pictures have quart bottles of Rheingold or Schaeffer’s beer on the table. They knew how to party in their day.

   Contrary to popular opinion, Chrissy and I are trying to have a child. We try and try(not as often as I would like though). But nothing ever happens, so I told her we should video tape it . You know, to see if we’re doing it right. Not like a porn video, but kind of like when the female news anchors show us self breast exams during sweeps week. Hard to believe Chrissy wouldn’t go for it.

   One day I came home and saw Chrissy on the front stoop with a male friend. I thought about slicing them both up because I would be acquitted due to a) I’m black-no b) I’m a former sports star-no c) there aren’t 12 people dumb enough to ignore all the evidence-well maybe d)I’m rich-no. I guess odds are I wouldn’t be acquitted. Hell no one could get away with such a vicious crime.....Oh I’m back, I was dreaming. Where was I? Oh yea!, the story of the past year. I got a special present for my birthday. It came from Thunder. He French kissed me, yea my dog slipped me the tongue. We were playing on the floor face to face and I was singing the chorus to Urge Overkill’s “Dropout”. “You’ve been a Dropout” bam!!! he leaned forward and slipped me the tongue. So I bought him a lovely wicker doggie bed.

   We will be going to NYC to go Christmas shopping. Years ago on Christmas Eve, my whole family went shopping in Manhattan. It is one of the fondest Christmas memories I have. Of course most of the others involve my Grandparents apartment at Christmas. I remember hauling our Christmas gifts down to the car. Then waving good-bye out the back car window to my Grandma on the fourth floor. Who needs a sleigh and jingle bells, give me Christmas in the city. Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years.

December 7, 2011 The 1994 Christmas Letter

Back in 1994, I started writing a Christmas Letter for two reasons. First it was to goof on Christmas letters we recieved that said things like "my life is perfect, my husband is wonderful and my kids are geniuses." Second I had just gotten my first computer and had to use it for something. So here is my inaugural Christmas newsletter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

WELL IT’S BEEN A LONG AND BUSY YEAR, THEREFORE WE MUST SEND ALONG THIS YUPPIE TYPE INFORMATIONAL NEWSLETTER WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS GREETING. PLEASE ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES BUT WE JUST DON’T SEEM TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH EVERYONE LIKE WE WOULD LIKE. PLUS I HAVE TO FIND SOME WAY TO JUSTIFY THE COST OF THIS COMPUTER BESIDES CATALOGING MY RECORD COLLECTION ON IT. SO ON WITH THE COUNTDOWN...

JANUARY 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE FROZE OUR EVER INCREASING ASSES OFF.  ALONG WITH THE REST OF CHICAGO, AS WE SUFFERED THROUGH MANY SUB-ZERO DAYS. CHRISSY AND  I MANAGED TO SKI FOR A WEEKEND WITH NO SERIOUS INJURIES, EVEN THOUGH WE SLID OFF A MICHIGAN ROAD AND HAD TO BE TOWED OUT OF THE DITCH.

FEBRUARY 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE WERE VISITED BY CHRISSY’S FATHER IN LAW, MY DAD. IF THAT WAS I HIGHLIGHT IT SHOWS

THE KIND OF LIFE WE ARE LIVING. MA OTT WAS STUCK IN A BLIZZARD ATTEMPTING TO GET IN 

AND OUT OF NEW YORK FOR JOEY TUCCIO’S WEDDING. CHRIS AND I WERE PATIENTLY WAITING

FOR SPRING TO ARRIVE.

MARCH 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE GOT A KID. RELAX, IT WAS THE FOUR LEGGED KIND. A GREAT PYRENEES DOG. AFTER MUCH SOUL SEARCHING WE NAMED HIM THUNDER. ALTHOUGH HE’S NOW BETTER KNOWN AS STINK DOGGY DOGG. THE NAME COMES FROM THE PRINCE SONG “THUNDER”. WHICH BREAKS OUR TRADITION OF NAMING OUR PETS AFTER  LIQUORS. HE’S 120 POUNDS OF PURE BABY. OF COURSE HE ALSO MIMICS ANOTHER BABY TRAIT. DROOLING. IF YOU HAVE VISITED YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS. IF YOU HAVEN’T, STOP ON BY AND GET INITIATED INTO THE THUNDER WET CROTCH CLUB. CHRISSY SAYS I’M JEALOUS OF HIM BECAUSE HE CAN LICK HIMSELF. I TOLD CHRISSY IF I COULD DO THAT I NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED.

APRIL 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

I HAD A VACATION IN APRIL. CHRIS WENT TO CALIFORNIA TO VISIT MY PARENTS. THEY TOOK HER TO A TRUCKSTOP IN PALM SPRINGS. THEN BACK TO THEIR HOUSE. ACCORDING TO CHRIS, THIS WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF HER VISIT. ACTUALLY THEY WERE TRYING TO FIND SOME SUNSHINE FOR HER, BUT SHE SHOULD HAVE STAYED HERE. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SPRING WEEK IN CHICAGO. SINCE THUNDER AND I WERE HOME ALONE. I TAUGHT HIM HOW TO PEE HIS NAME ON THE DRIVEWAY. AND HE TRIED TO TEACH ME HOW TO LICK MYSELF. WE BOTH STILL NEED SOME PRACTICE.

MY HOCKEY TEAM LOST THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME IN A THRILLING OVERTIME GAME. SHOWING FOR A CHANGE THAT WE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GROWING UP, WE ADMITTED IT WAS A GOOD GAME EVEN THOUGH WE LOST.

MAY 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

BOB OCHI MOVED IN WITH US WHILE HE SEARCHED FOR A HOUSE. OF COURSE THIS BROUGHT BACK MEMORY’S OF OUR OLD APARTMENT KNOWN AS THE CAVE. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEN AND NOW WAS THE INCREDIBLE LACK OF SEX...NOW!

I BOUGHT THIS COMPUTER AND CHRISSY PLANTED A GARDEN OUT BEHIND THE GARAGE. WE ATE FROM THAT GARDEN FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER AND FALL.

JUNE 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE WATCHED O. J. DRIVE AROUND SO. CAL.. JUST LIKE YOU DID. ADMIT IT. YOU WANTED TO SEE HIM SHOOT HIMSELF. NOW WE ALL WISH HE HAD SO WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME WATCHING COURT T.V.

JULY 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

ONE OF THE THINGS YOU LEARN AS A NEW PARENT IS THAT YOU MUST BUILD A FENCE TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM YOUR CHILDREN. SO I BEGAN PUTTING UP A FENCE AROUND OUR YARD FOR THUNDER.

AUGUST 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE WENT TO NYC AND BOSTON. WE HAD A GREAT TIME. NYC IS A GREAT PLACE TO VISIT. ESPECIALLY IF MY AUNT MARYANN IS COOKING YOUR MEALS. THE SIGHTS ARE OKAY, BUT HER ITALIAN FOOD MAKES THE TRIP WORTHWHILE. WE ALSO VISITED THE TEMPLE OF THE GODS... THE CYCLONE IN CONEY ISLAND. THAT IS THE GREATEST ROLLERCOASTER IN THE WORLD. ALSO VISITED THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AND ELLIS ISLAND FOR THE FIRST TIME. THAT WAS COOL. HAD TO RETURN OUR METS AND RED SOX TICKETS DUE TO BASEBALL STRIKE. SO WHAT, TURNS OUT I DIDN’T MISS BASEBALL AT ALL, I STILL HAD A FENCE TO BUILD.

SEPTEMBER 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

OCHI MOVED OUT. HE LEFT ME ONCE AGAIN. OH WELL, AT LEAST I FINISHED THE FENCE. IT COST ME MY TWO FRONT TEETH , THANKS TO SOME FINE HANDLING OF THE POST HOLE DIGGERS. THAT’S OKAY, NOW I CAN BEGIN MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST.

OCTOBER 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

MY COUSIN KAREN CAME TO VISIT. NOW THAT WAS A REAL HIGHLIGHT FOR THE YEAR. WE MET HER HUSBAND KEN. YES HE IS A GREAT GUY, SO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN’T MET HIM YET CAN QUIT ASKING US ABOUT KEN. THEY BOTH LOOKED GREAT CONSIDERING THEY SPENT 5 MONTHS ON THE ROAD. CHRIS AND I WENT TO CALI TO VISIT MY PARENTS. I HADN’T SEEN THEM FOR AWHILE. IT WAS GOOD TO SEE THEM. WE WENT TO MY BROTHER GEORGIE’S HALLOWEEN PARTY. WE WENT AS SID VICIOUS AND HIS GIRLFRIEND NANCY. THAT’S US, PUNK ROCK JUNKIES!

NOVEMBER 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

I TURNED 30. SOME FUCKING HIGHLIGHT HUH.

DECEMBER 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

CHRISSY RECEIVED A PROMOTION TO SENIOR KEEPER. WHICH MEANS MORE MONEY AND MORE PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE ZOO ARE YOUNGER THAN HER. ALSO, I ACTUALLY PRINTED A STUPID YEAR IN REVIEW AND SENT IT OUT WITH OUR CHRISTMAS CARDS. HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM ALL OF US.

            GREGG, CHRISTY, THUNDER, AMARETTO, ASTI & J.D.

P.S. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT ABUSING ME FOR THIS . IF YOU DO I WON’T SEND YOU ONE NEXT YEAR.