December 7, 2011 The 1994 Christmas Letter

Back in 1994, I started writing a Christmas Letter for two reasons. First it was to goof on Christmas letters we recieved that said things like "my life is perfect, my husband is wonderful and my kids are geniuses." Second I had just gotten my first computer and had to use it for something. So here is my inaugural Christmas newsletter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

WELL IT’S BEEN A LONG AND BUSY YEAR, THEREFORE WE MUST SEND ALONG THIS YUPPIE TYPE INFORMATIONAL NEWSLETTER WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS GREETING. PLEASE ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES BUT WE JUST DON’T SEEM TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH EVERYONE LIKE WE WOULD LIKE. PLUS I HAVE TO FIND SOME WAY TO JUSTIFY THE COST OF THIS COMPUTER BESIDES CATALOGING MY RECORD COLLECTION ON IT. SO ON WITH THE COUNTDOWN...

JANUARY 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE FROZE OUR EVER INCREASING ASSES OFF.  ALONG WITH THE REST OF CHICAGO, AS WE SUFFERED THROUGH MANY SUB-ZERO DAYS. CHRISSY AND  I MANAGED TO SKI FOR A WEEKEND WITH NO SERIOUS INJURIES, EVEN THOUGH WE SLID OFF A MICHIGAN ROAD AND HAD TO BE TOWED OUT OF THE DITCH.

FEBRUARY 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE WERE VISITED BY CHRISSY’S FATHER IN LAW, MY DAD. IF THAT WAS I HIGHLIGHT IT SHOWS

THE KIND OF LIFE WE ARE LIVING. MA OTT WAS STUCK IN A BLIZZARD ATTEMPTING TO GET IN 

AND OUT OF NEW YORK FOR JOEY TUCCIO’S WEDDING. CHRIS AND I WERE PATIENTLY WAITING

FOR SPRING TO ARRIVE.

MARCH 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE GOT A KID. RELAX, IT WAS THE FOUR LEGGED KIND. A GREAT PYRENEES DOG. AFTER MUCH SOUL SEARCHING WE NAMED HIM THUNDER. ALTHOUGH HE’S NOW BETTER KNOWN AS STINK DOGGY DOGG. THE NAME COMES FROM THE PRINCE SONG “THUNDER”. WHICH BREAKS OUR TRADITION OF NAMING OUR PETS AFTER  LIQUORS. HE’S 120 POUNDS OF PURE BABY. OF COURSE HE ALSO MIMICS ANOTHER BABY TRAIT. DROOLING. IF YOU HAVE VISITED YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS. IF YOU HAVEN’T, STOP ON BY AND GET INITIATED INTO THE THUNDER WET CROTCH CLUB. CHRISSY SAYS I’M JEALOUS OF HIM BECAUSE HE CAN LICK HIMSELF. I TOLD CHRISSY IF I COULD DO THAT I NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED.

APRIL 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

I HAD A VACATION IN APRIL. CHRIS WENT TO CALIFORNIA TO VISIT MY PARENTS. THEY TOOK HER TO A TRUCKSTOP IN PALM SPRINGS. THEN BACK TO THEIR HOUSE. ACCORDING TO CHRIS, THIS WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF HER VISIT. ACTUALLY THEY WERE TRYING TO FIND SOME SUNSHINE FOR HER, BUT SHE SHOULD HAVE STAYED HERE. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SPRING WEEK IN CHICAGO. SINCE THUNDER AND I WERE HOME ALONE. I TAUGHT HIM HOW TO PEE HIS NAME ON THE DRIVEWAY. AND HE TRIED TO TEACH ME HOW TO LICK MYSELF. WE BOTH STILL NEED SOME PRACTICE.

MY HOCKEY TEAM LOST THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME IN A THRILLING OVERTIME GAME. SHOWING FOR A CHANGE THAT WE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GROWING UP, WE ADMITTED IT WAS A GOOD GAME EVEN THOUGH WE LOST.

MAY 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

BOB OCHI MOVED IN WITH US WHILE HE SEARCHED FOR A HOUSE. OF COURSE THIS BROUGHT BACK MEMORY’S OF OUR OLD APARTMENT KNOWN AS THE CAVE. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEN AND NOW WAS THE INCREDIBLE LACK OF SEX...NOW!

I BOUGHT THIS COMPUTER AND CHRISSY PLANTED A GARDEN OUT BEHIND THE GARAGE. WE ATE FROM THAT GARDEN FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER AND FALL.

JUNE 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE WATCHED O. J. DRIVE AROUND SO. CAL.. JUST LIKE YOU DID. ADMIT IT. YOU WANTED TO SEE HIM SHOOT HIMSELF. NOW WE ALL WISH HE HAD SO WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME WATCHING COURT T.V.

JULY 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

ONE OF THE THINGS YOU LEARN AS A NEW PARENT IS THAT YOU MUST BUILD A FENCE TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM YOUR CHILDREN. SO I BEGAN PUTTING UP A FENCE AROUND OUR YARD FOR THUNDER.

AUGUST 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

WE WENT TO NYC AND BOSTON. WE HAD A GREAT TIME. NYC IS A GREAT PLACE TO VISIT. ESPECIALLY IF MY AUNT MARYANN IS COOKING YOUR MEALS. THE SIGHTS ARE OKAY, BUT HER ITALIAN FOOD MAKES THE TRIP WORTHWHILE. WE ALSO VISITED THE TEMPLE OF THE GODS... THE CYCLONE IN CONEY ISLAND. THAT IS THE GREATEST ROLLERCOASTER IN THE WORLD. ALSO VISITED THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AND ELLIS ISLAND FOR THE FIRST TIME. THAT WAS COOL. HAD TO RETURN OUR METS AND RED SOX TICKETS DUE TO BASEBALL STRIKE. SO WHAT, TURNS OUT I DIDN’T MISS BASEBALL AT ALL, I STILL HAD A FENCE TO BUILD.

SEPTEMBER 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

OCHI MOVED OUT. HE LEFT ME ONCE AGAIN. OH WELL, AT LEAST I FINISHED THE FENCE. IT COST ME MY TWO FRONT TEETH , THANKS TO SOME FINE HANDLING OF THE POST HOLE DIGGERS. THAT’S OKAY, NOW I CAN BEGIN MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST.

OCTOBER 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

MY COUSIN KAREN CAME TO VISIT. NOW THAT WAS A REAL HIGHLIGHT FOR THE YEAR. WE MET HER HUSBAND KEN. YES HE IS A GREAT GUY, SO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN’T MET HIM YET CAN QUIT ASKING US ABOUT KEN. THEY BOTH LOOKED GREAT CONSIDERING THEY SPENT 5 MONTHS ON THE ROAD. CHRIS AND I WENT TO CALI TO VISIT MY PARENTS. I HADN’T SEEN THEM FOR AWHILE. IT WAS GOOD TO SEE THEM. WE WENT TO MY BROTHER GEORGIE’S HALLOWEEN PARTY. WE WENT AS SID VICIOUS AND HIS GIRLFRIEND NANCY. THAT’S US, PUNK ROCK JUNKIES!

NOVEMBER 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

I TURNED 30. SOME FUCKING HIGHLIGHT HUH.

DECEMBER 1994 HIGHLIGHTS

CHRISSY RECEIVED A PROMOTION TO SENIOR KEEPER. WHICH MEANS MORE MONEY AND MORE PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE ZOO ARE YOUNGER THAN HER. ALSO, I ACTUALLY PRINTED A STUPID YEAR IN REVIEW AND SENT IT OUT WITH OUR CHRISTMAS CARDS. HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM ALL OF US.

            GREGG, CHRISTY, THUNDER, AMARETTO, ASTI & J.D.

P.S. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT ABUSING ME FOR THIS . IF YOU DO I WON’T SEND YOU ONE NEXT YEAR.