December 11, 2011 The 1998 Christmas Letter

                                                                                            

“THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS DELIGHTFUL,  LIVING WITH GREGG IS FRIGHTFUL!”

Hello! It’s Chrissy here this time. Since Gregg absolutely hates writing this stupid newsletter and Thunder says he already wrote one. So, I have to write it. Actually he is still in a funk over me not getting that job at the San Diego Zoo. He had this idea that we would live on the beach and just surf all day. He feels like all his friends have abandoned him. I think they all just grew up. So now Gregg lives just building a wall around himself, isolating himself. It’s like living with Pink Floyd. Anyway I will try to recap yet another year in our version of a life.

WINTER

Gregg’s brother Georgie came to visit in early January. Gregg decided not to go on our annual ski trip with Jim & Debbie. Therefore I had a big decision to make. I had to decide which hat matched my ski pants. The boys, Gregg, Georgie & Thunder, spent the weekend cruising for ‘bitches’. (Thunder’s word, not mine.) I’m sure these three were successful, with their heads out the car windows gawking and drooling at the girls. There is a better chance of Antonio Sebato Jr. asking me to remove his underwear than these three picking up girls. Since I went skiing alone, rumors were running rampant that I was having an affair with Jimmy Drescher. This is especially amusing, since Jimmy admitted that even in his dreams I refused to have sex with him.

After skiing without any severe injuries, I broke my ankle walking at work. Gregg thought this was great at first, he figured with crutches and a cast I wouldn’t be able to get away from his sexual advances. But I became quite a swordsman with those crutches. Touché.

The winter was very mild until early March. An incredible ice storm hit Chicago. We lost power for two days. Life without electricity sucks, no computer, no heat, no cable television and no lights. But luckily we both had our favorite things available on battery power. Gregg played CD’s on his boom box and I had my vibrator.

SPRING

By now I’m two months into sitting around with my broken ankle. And Gregg was driving me nuts. One day he called me into the kitchen and started screaming about how disorganized it was. He spent the next 6 hours throwing everything onto the floor, then reorganizing the cabinets. He did this in his best gay interior decorator voice. He carefully explained how and why everything his way was better. Like I really gave a shit where the pots & pans are best kept. Where the hell was my vibrator?

SUMMER

Gregg & I went to COASTERMANIA at Cedar Point again. As usual it was a blast. Then we celebrated our 10-year anniversary. Yes indeed. It’s a decade of unbelievable love, uncontrollable love, and undying love. Okay maybe it was a year or two of that and eight years of putting up with each other.

We made our annual pilgrimage to the Mecca, NYC.  We had tickets to see RENT on Broadway. Even though we thought Grandpa wouldn’t care for the rock musical, he insisted on going. He never wears his hearing aid but this night he did. When the first guitar solo kicked in, he was overheard yelling “JESUS CHRIST!” He couldn’t rip that hearing aid out fast enough. Everyone should experience Gregg on the streets of NYC. He stops at every vendor to eat …pretzels…frankfurters….knishes…Italian ices….soda!!!!!!! Of course he always leaves room for Corato’s pizza and his favorite Aunt MaryAnn’s incredible meals. 

 One of the many promised additions to the house was finally completed. We now have a brick patio in the backyard. Of course the upstairs still has not been touched, but I’ll keep the nagging up until it’s done.

FALL

Oh boy! Another visit to Gregg's family in SoCal. I’ll admit that sometimes I think Gregg exaggerates stories about his childhood. But after visiting his parents, I believe everything he says. I know Gregg isn’t normal, and now I know why.  I can’t even begin to describe everything that occurs on these visits. A couple of things stand out though. One day we went to Huntington Beach. The waves were too rough to surf. My father-in-law decided another beach would be better. Twenty minutes and three beaches later, we ended up back at Huntington Beach, 100 yards from where we started. Bernadette was swearing at George. Gregg & I were looking for crack dealers. As most of you know, George & Bernadette smoke like a coal fired locomotive. Since they painted the house, they now only smoke outside. I think it is because they don’t understand the new California anti-smoking law, which states you can not smoke in any public building. As further proof that these two can drive anything crazy, Latka & Simka (their cats) have moved in with their neighbors.

My friend Karen married Jim. I was matron of honor. Gregg said it was because I’m too old to be a maid of honor. Gregg says this marriage will ruin their great relationship. He kept singing “Another One Bites the Dust”. You see, Jim & Karen were the last of our friends that would or could go out with us on a last minutes’ notice. When Gregg found out she was pregnant, that was the final nail in the coffin of Jim & Karen. They may never be seen again.

Gregg got nothing but mean birthday cards and no presents on his birthday. So he bought himself some DJ equipment. He even DJ’d the Brookfield Zoo’s Christmas party. But he needs a cool DJ name, so I offered up, DJ FAT BASTARD.

Back to Karen & Jim, who were wondering what it took to get mentioned in the newsletter. They have a big Christmas party every year. This year Gregg & I overheard several conversations. They all centered on pregnancies. One woman told us how she went from a 34B to 38E bra while pregnant. Another complained about all the problems associated with being pregnant, we wondered why she went through the trouble to have three kids. Another talked about taking phena barbital throughout the pregnancy, then having babies that weighed less than 6lbs and were born addicts. Gee, I wonder why? Gregg begged me to get up and say “My husbands hung like a horse, I have so many orgasms we have to mop the floor when we’re done. We’re leaving now so I can ride him like a fireman going up & down the pole”. We just left.

I guess that covers our twisted version of a year. Since everyone insists on sending us pictures of their kids every time they grow an inch, I’m including pictures of my babies. Anastasia and Marty. Aren’t they just adorable?  Gregg says that he has one Christmas image that comes to him every year. It is Christmas at his Grandparent’s apartment in NYC. Here’s hoping that every one of our friends and family has that Christmas moment this year.

                                          MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR

                          

                                             Love,

                                                 Christy, Gregg, Thunder, JD, Ammy

                                                                     & Asti