Sunday, January 15, 2012

December 9, 2011 The 1996 Christmas Letter

Hey there. It’s me, Thunder,(Gregg & Christy’s dog). Most of you refer to me as their ‘Kid’. That’s fine with me. God knows I’m called worse around here. Stink Doggy Dog, Fuckstick and Stupid are the most common names I hear. Anyway you gotta trust me, they shouldn’t be allowed to raise children. I know last year’s newsletter got them in all kinds of trouble because they joked about having a baby. Therefore I have to write this stupid letter. I heard Gregg say he wanted to write that they did have a baby this year. Then tell everyone they sold it on the black market because white babies will get you a lot of money. “ Why not? Since everyone believes all this dumb bullshit anyway!” was his exact quote. So now you get a dog’s eye view of Gregg and Chrissy’s year.

January- It’s my favorite time of the year. It’s cold and snowy. G & C went skiing with their friends. It is something they do every year in January.

February- Valentines Day. Definitely the biggest holiday in this house. There is so much love here, HaHaHa- sorry I don’t know how to duplicate dog laughter. I’m not sure but I think they gave each other a card. I got shit. Sorry about the language, but you live with Chrissy, you learn to talk like her. They saw The Time in concert. Chris tried to teach Gregg to dance. He is one stiff suburban white boy with no trace of rhythm. I laughed so hard that I had to run into the yard to relieve myself.

March- Gregg’s hockey team won the Check League Championship. The other team he plays for, Tony’s team, also won the championship. Now I have a point to make. He calls me Stink Dog all the time. Have any of you smelled that hockey equipment bag of his? People in glass houses, you know the rest. I’ll get off my soap box….where was I , oh yea March. In one weekend Gregg went to 3 concerts, Spacehog, Material Issue and Steve Earle. That means I have to listen to him butchering songs with the stereo blasting. Since he added speakers to the basement there is nowhere to hide.

April- You know you’re getting old and washed up when you go to weddings of your friends’ children. G & C went to Angie Twardy’s wedding. The whole affair was fun. But the two of them moped around for weeks because “We are old now!”. Psst. I heard a rumor that the conversation around their table was about all the fun they used to have. HaHaHa. You see dogs don’t live long enough to remember the ‘Good Old Days’.

Summer- It is easier to lump May thru August together. G & C went to the K.C. Zoo , Coastermania at Cedar Point, Cleveland Zoo, Geauga Lake Amusement park, Columbus Zoo, Americana, Kings Island and of course NYC. Gregg and Jimmy went to their 11th straight Indy 500.(I wonder how much fun it would be to hang my head out of an Indy car. Drool flying at 230MPH could probably cause severe damage.) Grandpa Ott, Ma & Pa Ott came out for Jeff and Patty’s Wedding in June. It’s always fun to have new crotches to sniff. Gregg’s brother George came out 3 times this year. Twice for work and once for vacation in August. The August visit is when they went canoeing at Turkey Run. Georgie and Scottie proclaimed to be Lewis and Clark when they set out down the river. After hitting every rock and traveling sideways through all the rapids, Gregg said they were more like Lois and Clark. Summer concerts included the Bodeans, Afghan Whigs, Cracker, No Doubt and Everclear. G & C spent all summer staining their new windows which finally were installed after many long delays. All in all, they must have had fun, but I was left home with strangers all summer.

September- Left home again. This time they went to Cali. Of course they did all the grown up things they are known for doing. Three zoos, 4 amusement parks and at least 7 trips to the beach. These 2 will never grow up and face reality. The reality of having a dog and cats that need their attention. Believe me when I say that if they had a child they would think it was okay to set out a big bowl of food, while they go out gallivanting.

October- In an effort to expand their small cultural base, G & C took in their second play of the year ( I heard they saw Sunset Blvd. on Broadway). Jim and Debbie, personally one of my favorite people to sniff, went to see Smokey Joe’s Café at the Schubert Theater. I think I would have gone but the cheap bastards bought seats way up in the balcony and I didn’t want to climb all those stairs.

November- Yet another birthday for that fat bastard, Gregg. On a personal note, I know he calls me FATBOY. Apparently he thinks I don’t see him suck in his gut to button those jeans every morning. Anyway Georgie came to town for his third visit of the year. He and Gregg saw the Lemonheads at the Metro. The next night along with Chrissy, Scottie and Steve (Gregg’s favorite concert going buddy, since no one his age will go to shows with him), they saw the Mighty, Mighty Bosstones. It was a sweat drenched night in the mosh pit with the guys trying to control Chrissy. Thanksgiving dinner was held at our house this year. Chrissy did a great job. And since her mom was here to provide help, I got all kinds of goodies.

December- Gregg complains to Chris that he doesn’t want to do a newsletter this year. That is why I have helped the poor boy out. He isn’t that bad an owner. He does play with me every day after work and takes me in the car whenever he has some running around to do. I worry about him though, he sure seems jealous that I can lick my genitals. I’d better clean the drool off his keyboard. The only thing he loves more than his music collection is this computer. Which reminds me I’d better erase those JPEGS of that cute poodle I got off the Internet. By the way, you can check out Gregg’s Internet site at All of us here wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a GREAT 1997!


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