Sunday, January 15, 2012

December 8, 2011 The 1995 Christmas Newsletter



   Oh boy where do I start. This year I can write one of these stupid newsletters because I did one last year. I thought I would get abused (mainly because if you sent me one I would abuse the living shit out of you) but most people told me they really enjoyed it. So now the pressure is on this year to be entertaining. Read on and Happy Holidays.

   This is a story. The story of 1995. The story of Gregg, Christy, their four-legged kids and the big old goofy world. The story opens in early December with Gregg sitting at his computer trying to recall what has transpired in the past year that might be slightly interesting to you. He is listening to his cd player, which is loaded with Christmas CD’s ranging from Bing Crosby singing “Silver Bells” to “Here Comes Santa’s Pussy” by the Frogs, just to set the mood.

   Last January Gregg went skiing in Michigan with friends, then we both went skiing locally. Once again we avoided serious injuries, which is good for me since my normal aches and pains are enough to drive someone to heroin addiction.

   As spring came around, it marked Thunder’s first year with us. Oh what fun it is to have a 125lb dog. Thunder and I have so much fun together. We wrestle, play ball, rollerblade(I do, he runs) and we have peeing contests. Whenever I come home late at night, he runs to the bush up front of the house and we pee. I have to make sure no traffic is driving by. Thunder always has to remark the bush when I’m done, so we battle it out him, me, him, me, him down to the last drop. I’ll admit he usually wins so to really challenge him, I’ll pee real high on the bush and tell him to match that.

   This April my hockey team, The Natural Disaster, lost the championship game for the second straight year by a goal to the same team. The White Sox season began late due to the strike, I told them to shove their season tickets and didn’t miss baseball one bit. By the way, did they have a World Series this year. I never heard anyone mention it , I guess not.

   We saw a bunch of concerts this year. John Hiatt, Pearl Jam, Urge Overkill, Live, Mighty Mighty Bosstones and the Presidents of the USA are the ones I remember. I also saw Tom Petty from the eighth row. The Bosstones show was the wildest. Chrissy was moshing and crowd surfing the whole show. The bouncers in front of the stage couldn’t control her. She’s such a punk rocker.

    June began with roller coasters. We belong to ACE, American Coaster Enthusiasts. We spent 17 hours riding coasters at Cedar Point on Coastermania Day. We had a great time but all that body shaking made the toilet our most popular place to visit. We rode coasters at Great America, Indiana Beach and King’s Island during the month. This is the only thing Chrissy and I have in common, riding coasters and peeing way too often for people our age.

   In July my mom ended her Route 66 journey by visiting with us. She hadn’t been here in well over a year, so we were able to put up with her mothering ways for a while. As a kid you do your best to mold your parents into productive human beings, no matter how hard you try they somehow end up going their own way. But I’m proud of her, as moms go she isn’t that bad.

   We went to NYC in August. And by the good grace of God, a hurricane was moving up the Atlantic coast. That meant the waves were incredible. Actually Rockaway  Beach was closed. But Coney Island was rocking. Oh I was in heaven. The Cyclone and 10 foot waves in the same day. I spent the last day in NYC under the boardwalk at Rockaway barfing up some bad clams...yes the ones that come in a shell.

   Grandpa came to visit in September. This is always a highlight for the year. I couldn’t get him interested in computers but we had a blast going through his old photos that I have been putting into albums. The stories and photos had both of us laughing all night. Most of the pictures have quart bottles of Rheingold or Schaeffer’s beer on the table. They knew how to party in their day.

   Contrary to popular opinion, Chrissy and I are trying to have a child. We try and try(not as often as I would like though). But nothing ever happens, so I told her we should video tape it . You know, to see if we’re doing it right. Not like a porn video, but kind of like when the female news anchors show us self breast exams during sweeps week. Hard to believe Chrissy wouldn’t go for it.

   One day I came home and saw Chrissy on the front stoop with a male friend. I thought about slicing them both up because I would be acquitted due to a) I’m black-no b) I’m a former sports star-no c) there aren’t 12 people dumb enough to ignore all the evidence-well maybe d)I’m rich-no. I guess odds are I wouldn’t be acquitted. Hell no one could get away with such a vicious crime.....Oh I’m back, I was dreaming. Where was I? Oh yea!, the story of the past year. I got a special present for my birthday. It came from Thunder. He French kissed me, yea my dog slipped me the tongue. We were playing on the floor face to face and I was singing the chorus to Urge Overkill’s “Dropout”. “You’ve been a Dropout” bam!!! he leaned forward and slipped me the tongue. So I bought him a lovely wicker doggie bed.
   We will be going to NYC to go Christmas shopping. Years ago on Christmas Eve, my whole family went shopping in Manhattan. It is one of the fondest Christmas memories I have. Of course most of the others involve my Grandparents apartment at Christmas. I remember hauling our Christmas gifts down to the car. Then waving good-bye out the back car window to my Grandma on the fourth floor. Who needs a sleigh and jingle bells, give me Christmas in the city. Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years.

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