December 16, 2011 Christmas In NYC Part 2

 In case you wonder what we do in NYC everytime we visit...today's blog will answer that question. We wander aimlessly. Today we started at Ground Zero. It is once again being called the World Trade Center site.

 Across the street is Liberty Plaza Park, now known as Zuccotti Park the birthplace of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations.

As you can see there is a huge police presence here, but the OWS people are no longer allowed to demonstrate here. Our government only supports protests and uprisings in other countries. They quickly squash them here in the supposed land of the free.

This is WTC Tower One.

While Chrissy shopped for shoes at Century 21, I strolled through the graveyard at Trinity Church where Alexander Hamilton is buried. The tombstone above is for someone who died in 1759.

The graveyard is surrounded by Wall Street businesses.

A very interesting walk at a beautiful church...

...that was once the tallest building in NYC.

City Hall Park in downtown Manhattan

It was a nice winter day...

...New Yorkers were enjoying the sunshine.

This man builds low budget hotels and has many code violations besides using non union labor.

Of course we stopped to pet these two Great Pyrenees who were out for a walk this fine morning.

We walked up to Chinatown where these losers were fighting over $2 sweaters...

...wait a minute what is my wife doing at the far end of the table. Damn tourist!

Canal Street where cultures meet.

Little Italy on Mulberry Street

Chinatown on Grand Street

We took the B train to Prospect Park where we ran into a common problem that plagues many cities during an economic downturn. The locals were begging. We had lunch with Chrissy's friend Terry, who is the animal curator at the Prospect Park Zoo in Brooklyn.

 After lunch we walked through downtown Brooklyn. Here is the Soldier's and Sailor's Arch at the Grand Army Plaza.

Then it was back into Manhattan for a stop at the Chelsea Market where we shopped at two pop up artist fairs. This cute juggler was outside the Jingle Market.

Another Christmas Art Fair brought us to Grand Central Station. We were hoping for a flash mob sing-a-long but no such luck for us.

After dinner in Brooklyn at Strong Place, we stopped for a late night snack at the Brooklyn Farmacy. Then we walked back to the Inn on Second. So that is how we spent our day in NYC.

December 15, 2011 Christmas In NYC Part 1

 Breakfast at The Le Petit Cafe in Brooklyn...Here's Chrissy wondering why she ever married me.

 We had breakfast in the backroom which is a beautiful room in the courtyard behind the building...

 ...it is an amazing place to have a meal.

 The creche at St. Mary Star of the Sea Church which is where Al Capone married an Irish girl. Someone walking by said someone stole baby Jesus. My Italian Aunt said the church doesn't put baby Jesus into the creche until December 25th because that's when he was born.

 A more modern Christmas scene on a fire escape.

 A old fashion news stand at Bryant Park. We spent the day at pop up street fairs through out the city. We began at the Christmas Fair at Bryant Park.

 Chrissy relaxing in Madison Square Park.

 We found this strange statue at Union Square Park .

 I am just amusing myself with this picture.

While Chrissy shopped at Le Chateau on lower Broadway, I wandered over to my favorite park in the city, Washington Square Park. As I relaxed on a park bench I listened to a musician play Christmas carols under the Arch. I was amused by a mom who told her young son, in an effort to make him keep up with her, that there are polar bears in the park. I laughed out loud when he stopped and began to look for the polar bears. I also enjoyed an only in New York moment where a young female film student asked a group of older men who were sitting on the bench near me to be part of a film she was shooting. They agreed. So she shot a musician friend who played guitar while the group watched. But this being NYC, the men started clapping along and stomping their feet to the music. After the five minute shoot, there were smiles, hugs and thanks. I love this fucking city. Then I saw Chrissy walking across the park towards me with her shopping bags and a smile on her face. It was like our own movie scene. So I got up and hugged her and off we went to meet my artist friend, Marie Roberts for dinner. That is what visiting New York City is like...a bunch of scenes from your own personal movie.

December 14, 2011 The 2001 Christmas Letter

2001…Once again I must recap our last 365 days in a somewhat humorous fashion. This is obviously a tough task this year. Yes, I know I complain about writing this stupid newsletter every year… well… perspective is one of many lessons I’ve learned this year. After Sept. 11, I learned a few other things about our country…America has some flaws but it’s wide variety of citizens can put aside their differences when absolutely necessary for the good of our country. We looked at everyone as an American…no other descriptive word…not black or white…not Republican or Democrat…not rich or poor…just AMERICAN. People were nicer to each other. They showed respect to strangers that a week earlier they would not have reached out a helping hand. The country stood together and accomplished things with one goal in mind…taking care of those families most directly affected by the attacks. The weeks following the attack were when I was most proud to be an American. Did it last?…NO! Was there misguided anger?…YES! Will I continue to hope that someday Americans will live as one?…YES!!! Earlier in the year, Chrissy & I lost a big part of our lives. On March 16, we put Thunder to sleep. If he was in any pain, he hid it from us. He was getting old and it was obvious he was sick from his weight loss. That morning I had to carry him up the stairs. I took him for a final walk around the block. I swear if he could talk he would have told us it was time. I truly believe he was communicating it to me with his very distinct facial expressions. While we waited at the vet clinic, he seemed to comfort us as we tried to comfort him. I think of him to this day and get a tear in my eye…I’ll be right back….He was such a good dog; it took 2 dogs to replace him. I seem to lose the Christmas spirit a little more each year. This year’s events haven’t helped with my lack of holiday cheer. It’s very hard to be funny. There just wasn’t much I found amusing this year. SORRY to disappoint everyone, I just think the horror we witnessed on Sept 11 overshadows the comedy Christy & I refer to as our life. BUT…WAIT A MINUTE…. WE VISITED MY PARENTS THIS SUMMER…OF COURSE I HAVE AMUSING STORIES. Now, sit back, relax and read in total disbelief about the shit that happens to us in the course of a year.

January  I know my mom hates every aspect of winter. The snow, the cold, the wind chill. I can truly say I was more shocked by my mother flying to Chicago in January than some assholes flying planes into the Twin Towers in September. When she announced her plan to visit, I told Chrissy, “This is a bad sign. She absolutely hates winter. She must be coming to say she is sick and only has a few weeks to live.” Otherwise, she’d wait until summer to make the trip. The good news is she just missed her #1 SON. (Only son according to me) She is apparently is very healthy for a 54-year-old nurse that smokes constantly. Even the frigid temperatures could not diminish her craving for nicotine, and yes…we did make her smoke outside. I seemed to recall something about ‘living under my roof, my rules’ when I was a child. Revenge is sweet, even after all these years.

February  We went on a tour along the Mississippi River to find nesting bald eagles. Sure the bus was filled with the usual tree hugging screwballs, but we kept to ourselves and saw a bunch of eagles. I DJ’d Bernie & Susie’s Wedding. The highlight of the night was Bernie removing Susie’s garter, and not because it was way up high on her thigh, but because someone told me to play “Staying Alive” at the last minute. Bernie’s dance across the floor toward Susie was classic. If you missed it, get the video from them.

March  Sure we joked about Thunder. We were calling him Dead Dog Walking for the past 6 months as he ambled across the room. And I knew when the time came; there would be tears of sadness, sudden uncontrollable crying, voices trembling when talking about him and finally the overwhelming feeling of emptiness and loss. I just hoped Christy would get over it quickly. Well it’s a good thing she did, because I was a complete mess for a month. And quit laughing at me, some of you admitted crying when you heard we put him down and that really touched me deeply…and made me cry like a baby once again. Chrissy got in touch with the Great Pyrenees Rescue, http://www.gpcgc.org/rescue.htm. We were told about a Pyr at the Animal Welfare League near us. I went to AWL to check on the dog. As soon as they brought him into the visiting room, he peed on my foot. “Son of a bitch!”, we took him anyway. We renamed him Glacier. Once we got him home, I sat him down in our yard & told him the only reason he now had a home was because Thunder was such a great dog. He yawned & peed on my foot. “Son of a bitch!”… He said, “Yes, I am.”

April   Hey, not every month can have a story. While proofreading this Chrissy remembered that Kimmie had a baby girl named Kristian. Stop laughing, I knew she had a baby; I just wasn’t sure which month.

May   Well after 8 longs years of Christy bitching about remodeling the upstairs, a hockey-playing friend of mine, Eric, started the job. When finished the attic will have been transformed in a master bedroom done in a rustic log cabin look. Doesn’t every authentic log cabin have a hot tub and air conditioning? The reason for the log cabin is simple. It is where we will be vacationing until we pay for the remodeling.

June   It always sounds like a good idea. I’ll say, “Chris, let’s go to California to visit my parents.” WHY GOD, WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS SAY OK. We went sightseeing around Long Beach with the Delgado’s, who we saw for the first time since they moved to Cali. We also went on a wild harbor cruise with Geo’s friend, Frank, which included dinner & lots of alcohol at Dennis Rodman’s restaurant. Mrs. D was the only one of us to talk to the owner. We spent a night at my Aunt Pat & Uncle Ed’s house. My cousins & their families all stopped by for dinner. It was great to see everyone and made up in a small way for being across the country on the usual family holidays. We kept my aunt & uncle up until the middle of the night talking about everything, especially family. This night was the highlight of our trip. Then it happened, NIAGARA FALLS, STEP BY STEP, INCH BY INCH, we returned to my parent’s house. My dad was home from work before Ma. Bad sign, a mental patient needs his drugs and his is my mom. That was a good reason to hide at the pool until I had to leave for a concert w/ Geo. Dad warned us not to walk on his wood floor with wet feet because it attracts termites. WHAT?!!! OK, WHATEVER! After splashing around for a few minutes, I had to get ready to go out. Christy stayed at the pool. As I walked in the mailman came by, I mentioned that the mail comes kind of late. The rest is a blur that will take years of therapy to forget…next thing I know my dad is flying off the handle about his job either mailing his paycheck home or using direct deposit. I’m rationally trying to explain the advantage of direct deposit. He is screaming that he wants it handed to him every Friday. I’m standing in the doorway on the tile so my wet feet don’t attract termites. He starts dropping the two longest swear words known to everyone that just happen to rhyme. He is dropping these bombs left & right along with something about not believing I could be his son. At this point, I was believing the same thing and attempting to find psychiatric listings in the phone book. Chrissy was still sunbathing at the pool when the lady next to her said, “do you hear those two arguing”. Chris said, “Yes, that is my husband & his father”. The lady laughed & said, “I would not have admitted to that”. Then Chrissy is at the door yelling for us to shut up the whole complex can hear us. I quickly escape to the shower. As soon as I get out of the shower, he starts right up again. By now Georgie is there and he has his arm extended telling dad, “I’M NOT LISTENING… TALK TO THE HAND”. He called Marcy and had her rescue Chris. Gee, I can’t imagine what those two talked about over dinner.

July  We offered to help the Great Pyrenees Rescue by fostering a dog that was abandoned by her owners. Her name is Fluffy and she is about three years old. The St. John Animal Control thinks she was on the streets for about 3 months. They contacted the owners who said they didn’t want her back. Should it really be a crime to beat the crap out of people who abandon animals on the side of the road? Anyway, Glacier met Fluffy and they got along just fine. We now have two 100 lbs dogs…at least until Fluffy gets adopted.

August  Since Chrissy hates human beings, she offered to be the midnight relief keeper, in order to spend time with the animals without all those people to bother her. She wishes the public wasn’t allowed to come to the zoo. I’m still trying to convince her that the zoo has no reason to exist without the public…she just doesn’t get the concept. I, on the other hand, love the public. Especially in bikinis, which is all I get when DJ’ing at the Deep River WaterPark on Tubing Tuesday Nights. Sure, I feel a bit like a pervert taking requests from 16 year olds in bikinis. But I’m like a doctor, THIS IS A ONLY A JOB TO ME. But occasionally a hot mom will make a request for her shy three year old, unfortunately, she is only 23 and has no interest in a fat, married 36 year old. Of course the minivan driving, one piece swimsuit with a skirt wearing moms all think I’m cute. GREAT. The only way for me to get close to a hot girl at the water park is to drown in a pool and hope a female lifeguard gets to me first.

September  Like everyone else, I called my parents the night of Sept. 11^th. Unfortunately, my dad was the only one home. I simply asked, “Dad, can you fucking believe this?”  Still to this day, I cannot believe his response. “You know the government is going to take away our rights. Next thing you know I won’t be able to smoke at the beach next summer.” I was completely dumbstruck for the second time in a day. How the hell could this be a sane person’s first thought after an attack on our country? I figured I must have called a disgruntled dad that lived in a shack in the mountains of Montana, so I just hung up. Fluffy finally got adopted...by us. A family came to see her but decided not to adopt her because of her crooked teeth. Since her & Glacier get along so well, we decided to keep her. We even kept the name Fluffy, even though we hate it. Besides the name really fits her, she is fluffy.

October  My mom doesn’t take shit from anyone, especially some chicken shit terrorists hiding in caves, so off to Ireland as planned with her sister, Pat and their husbands. I guaranteed Christy two things would happen on this trip. First, my parents couldn’t last 10 hours on a plane without a cigarette. I was sure they would be locked in the bathroom smoking while B-52 fighter jets escorted the plane down somewhere around Pittsburgh. Second, my dad would be bounced on his ass out of an Irish pub onto a cobblestone street for bitching about the taste of Sheppard’s pie. Amazingly, neither happened. When the Irish heard their American accents, they gave their sympathy for the attacks on our country. Some people of the world actually like America.

November  I DJ on Saturday nights at Joltin Joe’s which is owned by my friends, Nick & Joe Pezzuto. I really enjoy it most nights. A bunch of drunk women begging me to play their favorite song…you know the one…by that guy…the one about my heart… it goes do dee dum dum …etc. Anyway, Nick says girls always ask about the cute DJ. Then they ask him my age. I’m flattered they think I’m that young but deflated when they find out my real age and lose all interest. I gotta get Nick to start lying for me.

December  Besides the obvious, I guess it’s been a pretty good year. HMMM…that statement reminds me of the old joke….“Besides that Mrs. Kennedy, it was a pretty good parade”. Everyone who has met Glacier knows this, those yet to visit be forewarned. Glacier likes to greet people with his nose, which is perfect height for most crotches. He really works his snout into you and he is thorough; a full body cavity search is less invasive than the once over by Glacier. He & Fluffy get along great. We love watching them play fight in the yard. When Glacier is chasing cars down the alley, she bites down on his tail and is pulled along the fence line until she plants her paws and stops Glacier. He turns to get her off his tail, but she clamps down again as soon as he turns forward. They both are really good dogs, except for the peeing in the house. Once again, “besides that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” Speaking of live theater, we saw The Full Monty, Guys & Dolls, South Pacific, Cinderella, The Producers, Saturday Night Fever, Wilco, Steve Earle, The BoDeans, GBV, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Semisonic, and the Warped Tour this year. I’ll end this with a story about getting old. I was having dinner at Baker’s Square with the flower girl from our wedding, the now 20-year-old Cindy Lou. She was dropping a few F-bombs while telling me a story. I asked her to tone it down a bit because there was a family with children next to us. THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT. I feel old enough because our flower girl is now a young woman. BUT I’M TELLING HER NOT TO CURSE. PLEASE KILL ME NOW…GROWING OLD SUCKS MORE THAN I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT!!! And on that note, we just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years!     Love, Gregg & Christy

December 13, 2011 The 2000 Christmas Letter

Once we realized the Y2K bug was just computer geeks over-reacting, this year didn't seem to live up to the new millenium hype. But it sure did fly by, and it isn't just the fact that I'm getting older because I've heard young people same the same thing….really…I swear I did! This year went by so fast, I didn't realize it was already the holiday season…so now I'm spending Christmas Day writing this ridiculous letter. SO LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!!!

I began the New Year by DJing at Joltin' Joe's Bar. My friends Nick & Joe Pezzuto own the place. I have DJed there all year long. It is a great job. I get to watch hot young girls get drunk and dance in front of me….and I get paid too. I should have started DJing years ago. One night some strippers….oops, I mean exotic dancers were there working as Bud Girls for the bar's golf outing. I actually got a $5 tip from this hot blonde with a great …ummm...mind….for playing a song for her. I made her tuck it into my G-string that I just happened to be wearing. (Sorry for that visual). If this would happen a few hundred more times I think I'd break even with the strippers of the world.

I spent the first three months of the year working on a birthday present for my mom. It was a book of pictures and stories from friends and family. I received some great stuff from everyone who contributed. Thank you for taking the time. She loved the book and Georgie created a web site of the book at http://www.georgeott.com/mom/index.html check it out if you haven't already.

Over Easter weekend, Chris & I decided to go hiking at Sleeping Bear Dunes in northern Michigan. This was to prepare for a trip to Alaska, where we also planned to go hiking. We stopped at several cities along Lake Michigan to photograph the old lighthouses. Now I'll admit I'm a sucker for old-fashioned Americana…so we stopped at The Dutch Village in Holland. It consisted of a few buildings (presumably of Dutch origin), a giant concrete stork with a diaper hanging from it's mouth where you could sit and be photographed appearing as either a baby or a stupid shit for stopping here, and a place to put on wooden shoes and carry milk buckets. (which Chrissy refused to do.) Christy was laughing at me for suggesting we stop there, but I was determined to find the hidden fun at the Dutch Village. After an hour of searching, half of which was spent on a merry go round that didn't stop until our yelling woke up the 100-year-old operator, we left wondering why anyone would pay $7.95 to visit this place.

In May, we made another trip to Alaska. We spent four days in Juneau. We went hiking in the mountains around town. While hiking, we rarely came across anyone else. It was absolutely beautiful and amazing to feel like you're the only people on Earth. While hiking up the mountain over the Mendenhall Glacier we saw porcupines, eagles and a mountain goat. We also heard animal cries, which we thought, were some kind of mountain lion. This kind of spooked us, since it seemed to be closing in on us. When we got back we recreated then sound for a park ranger…turns out it was a grouse. We really need to get out of the suburbs more. We hiked the 6 miles to the Herbert Glacier, which is the only way to get to it. After walking through the rain forest we came into a valley surrounded by snow covered mountains, the Herbert is a hanging glacier at one end of this valley. We sat down on the glacial silt and ate our sandwiches (from a NYC deli in Juneau) with the greatest view of any eatery in the world. That hour or so, was worth the cost of the whole trip. We spent the next week on a cruise that included kayaking through the icebergs in Southeastern Alaska. We saw bears, whales and sea lions everywhere. I think we saw porcupines almost every day of the trip. They really didn't pay us much attention, one day a porcupine lead us down the trail we were hiking on for a few hundred feet, then stopped & posed for pictures. I think he then told us "to piss off, for Christ's sake, I'm just a porcupine! Go bother a bear or an eagle! God Damn tourists!"  Sometimes Mother Nature can be as rude as a homeless person on the NYC subway, at least we felt at home.

In July, Chrissy had her 20 year high school reunion. Of course the anti-social one would never have gone except Karen made her go to it. When we walked in, Chrissy said "Who the fuck are these old people? They look like my parents!" I obviously agreed. Karen & Jim found us at a table all alone. Thank God Jim, even though he is a dad now, is still a blast to hang out with. He spent the night antagonizing people he didn't know, much to my enjoyment. At one point, Karen said one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me. Chrissy was catching up with the one person she hoped to see, her friend Roberta. And Karen turned to me and said, "Besides me, you are the best thing that ever happened to Chrissy." Which is what I've been telling Chrissy for years, but she just says, "SHUT UP FATBOY!" Apparently Chris had been drinking way too much at the party, because only blocks from our house, she made me stop in the parking lot of the Hammond Times and hiked up her skirt….I know all my buddies are going "ALRIGHT GREGG! And YOU DA MAN!" but that didn't happen. She peed in the lot and then we just drove home.

In August we went on a 10 day coaster trip with my brother, George. 10 days with Geo & me, 24 hours non stop…. I'm sure Chrissy's dreamed of vacations like this her whole life. It actually went very well. We rode more than 40 coasters in over 10 parks. The highlights were the small old-fashioned parks, Holiday World, Kennywood, Hershey Park, Conneaut Lake, Knoebels, Lakemont Park. Despite the hype of giant steel coasters, we loved the old & new woodies. We nicknamed it our WEEK WITH WOOD… it applied in more ways than one. At Kennywood in Pittsburgh, we were on line for one of their classic wooden coasters by the midway when Georgie yells "Oh good Lord…Please help me!" I turned around to see a thousand high school cheerleaders competing on the Midway. They were all in their little sweater tops and short skirts. This, of course, made Georgie relive comments like… " Mr. Ott please step away from the fourteen year old!" and "Kinko, Kinko the kid loving clown, if the kids would love him back, he'd never wear a frown!"

I've had blonde streaks put into my hair several times in the past. My 9 year old nephew, Kyle, wanted his hair done like his cool uncle. So I took him with me to the hair salon. This led to one of those moments of clarity that occur when time stands still for a brief moment. We both had those rubber helmets on with our strands of hair pulled through it and covered in the bleaching compound. We were sitting under those giant women's hair dryers with magazines on our laps. I looked over at him and he just smiled at me. The complete absurdity of how we must have looked amused me to no end. I just smiled back. It made me realize that someone looked up to me the way I did to my uncles when I was a kid. Then I realized that I was the cool uncle that took Kyle to a beauty salon to have his hair done. Oh my God, a whole school of elementary kids think I'm Kyle's gay uncle….I can hear the wood shed jokes now.

In December, we went to NYC with our sister-in-law Patti. We covered all of Manhattan in a few days, Christmas shopping & sight seeing. Of course the highlight of the trip was dinner at my Aunt MaryAnn's. We had ravioli with chicken & veal cutlets along with several other dishes. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Grandpa Ott is doing fine. I only saw the top of his head most of our visit because he was concentrating so hard on a plate of food whenever I was around. But I heard he told Patti to have a seat on his couch then said " I haven't had a girl on the couch in years." With Chrissy & Patti sitting with him in the basement, He was reported to have yelled up to Maryann " I've got two girls down here!" I guess that means he is doing just fine…DAMN…he's doing better than I am! Terri's fiancé, Carmine won me over easily. He recommended the Fortunato Brothers bakery in his neighborhood. The cannolis there are more satisfying than sex. And the Italian cookies make for some great foreplay. Another highlight of the trip was the day we spent sightseeing in Brooklyn with Freddie & Maryann. We toured from Brooklyn Heights to Coney Island…had a Nathan's hot dog and said goodbye to the Thunderbolt coaster which was torn down to build a baseball stadium. We also watched our wedding video thanks to Grandpa. Well, if we didn't feel older & fatter after seeing that video….I made the comment that the cute little flower girl in the video was now watching our house while we were in NYC….this getting old thing really sucks. How is it that she grew up and I haven't?

I'm writing this on Christmas Eve. Last night, I brought home White Castle sliders after DJing. I woke Chris up at 2:30am and we had sliders together. True Love. This morning, I awoke to the smell of Chrissy cooking lasagna and stuffed shells. For breakfast we had the Veal Paglia, Penne Porcini and stuffed chicken leftovers from Café Borgia. To really push home the Christmas spirit, we played name that tune by farting Christmas carols. (Can you believe some people actually ask for this newsletter?) Tiguak, the polar bear cub that Chrissy hand raised, is doing fine. She weighs over 220 pounds and is only 14 months old. She now has a friend, Eddy. He is on loan from the Quebec Zoo. The mom, Arki, had another cub in early December. So far she is raising that cub. That is our baby news for the year.

Our concert list this year included Prince, who was great but he is so short we couldn't see him and we were only 20 feet from the stage, the BoDeans, the Mighty, Mighty Bosstones, Rancid and the Smashing Pumpkins…a moment of silence please. Even though my hair was blonde and Chrissy's was purple, we were easily spotted as the oldest people at the Warp Tour this year…but we did get to meet the Bosstones, which was cool. We also saw some plays. Anne Get Your Gun, Sound of Music, Scarlet Pimpernel were the better ones. Blast!, which we dubbed revenge of the band geeks or band geeks on acid, was very entertaining.

Thunder seems to be getting along on his painkillers most of the year. But he has lost 40 pounds since the summer. This has brought comments like…"I found Thunder's lost weight…it's on Gregg!" The vet says he is OK but he is a bag of bones. Chrissy started calling him Dead Dog Walking…which I think is very mean. That girl is just heartless. Thunder told me he agrees…he tells me lots of things, which I can't repeat… this is getting very Son of Sam-like. Huh…what did you say Thunder? I gotta go now. Thunder says Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night.

December 12, 2011 The 1999 Christmas Letter

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December 11, 2011 The 1998 Christmas Letter

                                                                                            

“THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS DELIGHTFUL,  LIVING WITH GREGG IS FRIGHTFUL!”

Hello! It’s Chrissy here this time. Since Gregg absolutely hates writing this stupid newsletter and Thunder says he already wrote one. So, I have to write it. Actually he is still in a funk over me not getting that job at the San Diego Zoo. He had this idea that we would live on the beach and just surf all day. He feels like all his friends have abandoned him. I think they all just grew up. So now Gregg lives just building a wall around himself, isolating himself. It’s like living with Pink Floyd. Anyway I will try to recap yet another year in our version of a life.

WINTER

Gregg’s brother Georgie came to visit in early January. Gregg decided not to go on our annual ski trip with Jim & Debbie. Therefore I had a big decision to make. I had to decide which hat matched my ski pants. The boys, Gregg, Georgie & Thunder, spent the weekend cruising for ‘bitches’. (Thunder’s word, not mine.) I’m sure these three were successful, with their heads out the car windows gawking and drooling at the girls. There is a better chance of Antonio Sebato Jr. asking me to remove his underwear than these three picking up girls. Since I went skiing alone, rumors were running rampant that I was having an affair with Jimmy Drescher. This is especially amusing, since Jimmy admitted that even in his dreams I refused to have sex with him.

After skiing without any severe injuries, I broke my ankle walking at work. Gregg thought this was great at first, he figured with crutches and a cast I wouldn’t be able to get away from his sexual advances. But I became quite a swordsman with those crutches. Touché.

The winter was very mild until early March. An incredible ice storm hit Chicago. We lost power for two days. Life without electricity sucks, no computer, no heat, no cable television and no lights. But luckily we both had our favorite things available on battery power. Gregg played CD’s on his boom box and I had my vibrator.

SPRING

By now I’m two months into sitting around with my broken ankle. And Gregg was driving me nuts. One day he called me into the kitchen and started screaming about how disorganized it was. He spent the next 6 hours throwing everything onto the floor, then reorganizing the cabinets. He did this in his best gay interior decorator voice. He carefully explained how and why everything his way was better. Like I really gave a shit where the pots & pans are best kept. Where the hell was my vibrator?

SUMMER

Gregg & I went to COASTERMANIA at Cedar Point again. As usual it was a blast. Then we celebrated our 10-year anniversary. Yes indeed. It’s a decade of unbelievable love, uncontrollable love, and undying love. Okay maybe it was a year or two of that and eight years of putting up with each other.

We made our annual pilgrimage to the Mecca, NYC.  We had tickets to see RENT on Broadway. Even though we thought Grandpa wouldn’t care for the rock musical, he insisted on going. He never wears his hearing aid but this night he did. When the first guitar solo kicked in, he was overheard yelling “JESUS CHRIST!” He couldn’t rip that hearing aid out fast enough. Everyone should experience Gregg on the streets of NYC. He stops at every vendor to eat …pretzels…frankfurters….knishes…Italian ices….soda!!!!!!! Of course he always leaves room for Corato’s pizza and his favorite Aunt MaryAnn’s incredible meals. 

 One of the many promised additions to the house was finally completed. We now have a brick patio in the backyard. Of course the upstairs still has not been touched, but I’ll keep the nagging up until it’s done.

FALL

Oh boy! Another visit to Gregg's family in SoCal. I’ll admit that sometimes I think Gregg exaggerates stories about his childhood. But after visiting his parents, I believe everything he says. I know Gregg isn’t normal, and now I know why.  I can’t even begin to describe everything that occurs on these visits. A couple of things stand out though. One day we went to Huntington Beach. The waves were too rough to surf. My father-in-law decided another beach would be better. Twenty minutes and three beaches later, we ended up back at Huntington Beach, 100 yards from where we started. Bernadette was swearing at George. Gregg & I were looking for crack dealers. As most of you know, George & Bernadette smoke like a coal fired locomotive. Since they painted the house, they now only smoke outside. I think it is because they don’t understand the new California anti-smoking law, which states you can not smoke in any public building. As further proof that these two can drive anything crazy, Latka & Simka (their cats) have moved in with their neighbors.

My friend Karen married Jim. I was matron of honor. Gregg said it was because I’m too old to be a maid of honor. Gregg says this marriage will ruin their great relationship. He kept singing “Another One Bites the Dust”. You see, Jim & Karen were the last of our friends that would or could go out with us on a last minutes’ notice. When Gregg found out she was pregnant, that was the final nail in the coffin of Jim & Karen. They may never be seen again.

Gregg got nothing but mean birthday cards and no presents on his birthday. So he bought himself some DJ equipment. He even DJ’d the Brookfield Zoo’s Christmas party. But he needs a cool DJ name, so I offered up, DJ FAT BASTARD.

Back to Karen & Jim, who were wondering what it took to get mentioned in the newsletter. They have a big Christmas party every year. This year Gregg & I overheard several conversations. They all centered on pregnancies. One woman told us how she went from a 34B to 38E bra while pregnant. Another complained about all the problems associated with being pregnant, we wondered why she went through the trouble to have three kids. Another talked about taking phena barbital throughout the pregnancy, then having babies that weighed less than 6lbs and were born addicts. Gee, I wonder why? Gregg begged me to get up and say “My husbands hung like a horse, I have so many orgasms we have to mop the floor when we’re done. We’re leaving now so I can ride him like a fireman going up & down the pole”. We just left.

I guess that covers our twisted version of a year. Since everyone insists on sending us pictures of their kids every time they grow an inch, I’m including pictures of my babies. Anastasia and Marty. Aren’t they just adorable?  Gregg says that he has one Christmas image that comes to him every year. It is Christmas at his Grandparent’s apartment in NYC. Here’s hoping that every one of our friends and family has that Christmas moment this year.

                                          MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR

                          

                                             Love,

                                                 Christy, Gregg, Thunder, JD, Ammy

                                                                     & Asti

December 10, 2011 The 1997 Christmas Letter

HI THERE! We’ve had a WONDERFUL year. The BIG news is our new additions. We bought a beautiful house way out in the suburbs. Actually it used to be a farm field. So there are no trees now, but it only smells like cow manure when it rains for two straight days. But the neighborhood is great. The only thing black is the streets. Our other addition is a baby boy, Hunter. He is very beautiful. He could probably model or do commercials. He doesn’t look like the other babies. (You know how most babies look like aliens, ohhh not our Hunter.) His sister, Brooke, is five now. She is enrolled in the gifted Kindergarten class. The school says she is the smartest…..UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! If this type of newsletter doesn’t have you reaching for Dr. Kevorkian’s number, then don’t read on. If, however, you enjoy an honest recounting of a couple’s struggles against the world, PLEASE CONTINUE! (even if you secretly laugh at this crap then say to people,”Poor George and Bernadette, where did they go wrong?”)

Welcome to the fourth annual TWISTED NEWSLETTER, with me, your host and tour guide through the past year, Gregg. Well the big news is WE ARE STILL MARRIED!  I know everyone says, “Poor Chrissy, How does she put up with him?” Maybe you should say, “Poor Gregg, how does he put up with her?” Actually it really wasn’t that great of a year. I mean as years go, this one is pretty forgettable. But I must bore you with the details so here we gooooooo!!!!!!!

JANUARY

Check all the other newsletters, what did we do in January? We went skiing in Michigan with Jim and Debbie Drescher. The same goes for this year. But wait, we did something different this year. WHAT? You asked. WIFESWAPPING!! No, we went tubing. And it was fun.(Oh Golly Gee!!) We spent an afternoon flying down a bobsled run on big inner tubes. It was more fun than wifeswapping, okay, maybe I exaggerated on that one. Anyway, the point is that tubing down a mountain is a lot of fun. Especially nude with some one else’s wife. That part didn’t happen either. (But it does sound fun.)

FEBRUARY

This was one of those years where everyone seemed to be celebrating a big birthday. My Grandpa Ott turned 80. So my family all got together in NYC to celebrate. It was fun to be together with everyone at my Aunt MaryAnn’s house. We went to Ellis Island and to the Empire State Building. We were probably heading down the elevators, when that asshole shot several people on the observation deck. I’ll bet you his tormented rage was due to spending time with his family. I’ll give you an example. The weekend is going fine. We decide on the last night to go to a local Irish Pub for dinner. Great. The Irish aren’t exactly known for their good food, but it was within walking distance. Everyone orders, the food is edible. BUT my father is all pissed off and says his dinner tastes like dog food. Oh, what did he order? SHEPPERD’S PIE. Now you’re asking “WHAT THE FUCK IS SHEPPERD’S PIE?” Exactly. No one knew. But he had to order it then was pissed when it wasn’t good. This outburst brought the weekend to a perfect Ott ending. It is enough to make you wanna shoot up the Empire State Building!

MARCH

Jeff turned 30. My cousin Mary turned 40.(Sorry Mary, I was just proving my point that there were a bunch of big Birthdays) And my mom turned 50. So with the help of my Baker cousins, we had a bash for my mom. Thanks to my cousins, the party went great. Georgie even DJ’d the party. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I LOVE THEM HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY! Some of you think it is a shame that we live all over the country. Trust me, it is much better this way. After a few months apart, we actually miss each other. After a few days together, we need a few months apart. Thanks to everyone who helped and who came to the party. I think my mom is still young enough to remember it.

APRIL - JULY

After nearly 12 years, I quit my job at DRW. And much to my shock, the company continued to do business without me. I didn’t think it was possible. I busted my ass for them, but began to think there was no future there. So I got hired by OES in Indianapolis. I spent almost three months in Indianapolis for training and a big job for Shell Oil. I swear to you, the sun shined twice in those three months. The Bottle Rockets have a song that goes “I’m not sure if this is Hell or Indianapolis”. I know exactly what they mean. The job has been great though, especially since I got back to Chicago. The techs in the Indy office were very friendly to me. Especially since they were all southerners and I’m from the north. We were working 70-80 hours a week, but we found time to visit many of Indianapolis’s strip clubs. I had a dancer yell at me because I was watching the TV instead of her. She didn’t like my explanation that the Rangers were up by only one goal in the third period of a crucial play-off game against the Flyers. Jesus, she sounded like a wife, what happened to the good old days. When a strip club was where you could forget you were married.

Kimmie had a baby boy named Kennedy. Christy and I are the Godparents. How cool, I’m the GODFATHER. Nope. I was called the sponsor by the church. Great! I go from being Marlon Brando to being Sally Struthers. This is the story of my life.

AUGUST - OCTOBER

In August, we helped my friend Debbie move on up to a high rise apartment with a view of Lake Michigan. (See I do have successful friends) In September, I went to Gettysburg for my Cousin Ken’s wedding. Let’s face it; a battleground really is the perfect place to get married. It was very enjoyable to see my cousins on the Hynes’ side of the family. Ken and Joey were hilarious; they have the same twisted sense of humor as me. This trait must come from further up the family tree. My cousin DeDe was amazingly like my cousin Patty.  So there really is something to this genetics thing. This family should quit reproducing now, for the sake of the world. The weather in October was great. Eighty degrees most of the month, which made it the nicest month, weather wise, we had all year. It also is the only reason to mention it since we didn’t really do anything during October.

NOVEMBER - DECEMBER

 My friend Debbie talked me into volunteering at a nursing home for Thanksgiving. Pick yourself back up off the floor; I actually have a soft spot in my cold heart. It wasn’t too bad. We helped serve dinner. Sure I lost my appetite, I mean, old people are just like babies. They are disgusting to watch eat.(Messy, drooling and making strange noises) I managed to live through it. We sat and talked with four old women for about an hour. That was interesting. They could remember stuff from 70 years ago but kept asking us the same questions again and again. They kept saying how handsome I was, which was cool. Now if I could only get women under the age of eighty to think the same. Maybe I should visit people in desperate need of eye care more often. We did visit Boston and NYC in December. It was our first visit to Jeff & Jen’s house. They have a beautiful house, thanks to Jen, I’m sure. My brilliant car mechanic brother, after moving our car into his side lot, left the lights on. The next day we had to recharge the battery before it would start. We then stayed at my Aunt MaryAnn’s house. The perfect synopsis of my year can be described here. She made a plate of veal chops, my favorite, and I was too sick to eat more than one. WHY GOD WHY!

 Well I guess it is time to put this year to rest. Thank God. Oh well, they all can’t be wonderful. We both lost a Grandma this year, we didn’t actually lose them, we know where they are. They are in jars in our mother’s closets. Of course Chrissy only cares about her animals, she wants everyone to know that Anastasia, a Siberian Tiger, was born this past October. The baby polar bear turned 1 in late November. We saw a bunch of concerts, as usual. The Presidents of the USA, Cheap Trick, Mighty, Mighty Bosstones (twice), Bodeans, John Hiatt, Pietasters, Reel Big Fish, Live and John Mellencamp. We also expanded our cultural horizons by seeing a bunch of plays, Chicago, TangoX2, Triumph of Love, Riverdance and Rent. We highly recommend Rent and Riverdance. My hockey team, Natural Disaster, lost the championship game 4-2 last winter. We won the summer league championship. If you have Internet access the website address for the team is http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/5484.  Hopefully all is well with you. Please keep in touch with us. Chrissy and I truly wish you a Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years.